Moderator’s note: I am on vacation in America for the summer. I’ll be in Washington until July 7, and then I’ll be in Virginia! While this article is not specifically about jiu jitsu, after I read it I immediately saw the implications for women in jiu jitsu. How many new women have apologized for having better partners, “wasting” their training partners’ time, or not understanding? I think this is a fantastic challenge; I hope that everyone tries it and reports back!
[Jiu Jiu: Huffington Post wrote a response article to the following Pantene ad. It’s called “Pantene ‘Not Sorry’ Video Tells Women To Stop Apologizing So Much.” Yes, it’s a message by advertisers, but it still has a powerful message, and one I think many women (myself included!) need to hear. Check it out, then read Pamila’s article!]
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzL-vdQ3ObA]
I remember realizing that I danced in a way that would take up the smallest space possible. I didn’t want to encroach on the space of others. Even when there was plenty of room. I didn’t want to be a spectacle. I didn’t want to encroach on people’s peace of mind.
Fuck that.
And I started dancing big, holding my arms out, twirling about, moving step step step and over step step step. I spread my legs wide. I punched the air up and down. When the dance floor got crowded, I held my elbows out to create my own little bubble of keep-your-fecking-arms-off-my-
We are allowed to take up space. We are allowed to disagree. We are allowed to ask our partners for help. We are allowed to be tired and irritable at times. We are allowed to be strong. We are allowed to be different. We are allowed to enjoy life. We are allowed to breathe the air. We are allowed to speak. We are allowed to interrupt. We are allowed to ask for clarity. We are allowed to be comfortable. We are allowed to have opinions. We are allowed to express joy. We are allowed to be.
Because we are.
*******
I challenge you. One full day. Don’t use the word “Sorry” for a full 24 hours. Then come back here and tell us how it was. Then, a week. And give us an update. What do you say ladies?
pamilajo is the author of Casa de Whimsy, a house of whimsical art from a non-artist artist.
Jiu Jiu’s note: Do you default to “Sorry”? Have you noticed that the women in jiu jitsu class say “Sorry” more than the men? If a male training partner knees you in the head accidentally, how do they respond? Do they simply ask if you’re okay or do they say they’re sorry? What about the women? I challenge you, not only to try this challenge, but to observe your training partners this week. Who is in with me?
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I related to that A LOT! When I started I always apologized for everything (not being able to do things correctly, I felt like I was wasting my training partners’ time and I apologized for that EXPLICITLY). Lots of people told me to stop apologizing so I guess I’m very lucky to have fellows like those… on the other hand, I’m not an apologizer off the mats
It’s 5:28 pm and I haven’t said I’m sorry once today! Win,
I really meant to post this after my 24 hours without uttering the word “sorry” even once. It was dificult at first, but I’d already embraced this idea a while back, so I got through the 24 hours just fine. Tonight, I was a my Mary Kay District meeting & we were showing & talking about our goals by sharing a poster. The woman in front of me had his huge poster with these very detailed goals on it, like each thing that she wanted to put into her back yard when she made enough money to do that. Next, it was my turn & the first thing I said was, “Now that’s gonna be a hard act to follow!” The MC, took the mike back & said, “Don’t say you’re sorry.” I said, “I absolutely didn’t say I was sorry even a little bit!!” And then I shared my goals for the year & also my word for the new year, which is “START.”
The thing that I’ve started to be really noticing is how many women there are who say they’re sorry for so many things that aren’t their fault at all. Like the checker apologizing to me for the line getting slowed down in front of me. I got all the time in the world; please don’t tell me you’re sorry for other people’s actions. This is a very cool post. It makes women aware of how often they say they’re sorry for someone else’s actions.
I’ll leav you with this…Back in 1979, I lived next door to a famous & extremely talented jazz bass player who was also an abusive husband & a drunk. One day he came over & got up in my face & I sent him home rather chastened. Later, his little girl who couldn’t have been more than 7 or 8 came over to tell me that she was sorry for her father’s actions. I told her that she was to never, ever apologize for his actions; it was his place to clean up his own messes. I often think about that little girl who would be in her 40’s now & wonder if she remembered what I told her. I hope so.