One of my more popular blog posts is Women and BJJ: Femininity. The article was written after I’d been doing jiu jitsu for just under a year, and in it, it addressed this major point:
WHAT DO BJJ WOMEN WHO CARE ABOUT FEMININITY DO TO FEEL FEMININE?
Fast forward to now, about two and a half years after starting jiu jitsu, and I think it’s appropriate to revisit this topic.
One of the more poignant comments to that post was by Ashley from Resiliance Jiu Jitsu:
I struggled with my femininity when I first started BJJ. It was awkward to step across that line so far into the masculine. This was the case, even though I am not terribly “girly”. This is probably going to sound cliche…but, the more I grow up and experience things, what femininity means to me is changing. It is not about my make-up or nice nails.
This is how I view my journey in jiu jitsu – it took me so far into the realm of MASCULINE and it was an awkward place for me. I needed to reassure myself that I was still feminine. At the time, I didn’t realize that’s what was happening, but hindsight has 20/20 vision.
Nowadays I find that I don’t need that reassurance. I don’t spend the money for the pedicures, lady-colored items, or special eyelashes. I definitely don’t look down on anyone who does – please let me make that clear. But overall I find myself much more secure in who I am – and I’m okay with being sweaty and gross now. Which is utterly shocking!
For gis – I do buy women’s gis, but more because of FIT than STYLE. I do have the Fuji Summer Blossom gi, which is white with pink stitching, and I think it is SO FREAKING ADORABLE, and it’s a contrast to my plain blue Tatami Estilo 3.0 and blue Predadora.
Purdy gi!
For rash guards – I don’t have any specifically feminine rash guards, though I do have my eye on a few that are marvelously beautiful, such as Meerkatsu’s Deadly Nightshade rashguard, and I am DEATHLY EXCITED about the upcoming brand Pony Club Grappling Gear which combines kitch and playfulness – think if Rainbow Brite did jiu jitsu.
Our very own SLIDEYFOOT!
Funny – my coach made a comment to me the other week – that I was like a man. He made this comment because I’d been doing a fair amount of weight training lately and I can do pull ups and handstand pushups! He was shocked at seeing me do this and made a comment. I just said “No! I’m a woman! I’m a STRONG woman!” and I was happy.
Overall, I’m much more comfortable being a woman grappler, and I don’t need to overcompensate. To be frank, I was overcompensating – prior to doing jiu jitsu, I rarely ever got my nails done and I rarely wore feminine colors. However, I was big into makeup. I don’t think that just because a woman wears PINK PINK PINK on the mats that she is overcompensating. Not at all. She may just LOVE pink – like SL, my cupcake armbar.
Now, the Pony Club Grappling Gear stuff IS TOTALLY ME! I freaking love 80’s kitch and cute and sweet things like that. Sincerely, in Korea I could spend ALL DAY looking at the cutie patootie stuff – and my phone even has this image on it:
This is so cute it melted my monitor.
For women who feel that jiu jitsu does threaten your femininity, I have this to say: Do what makes you feel comfortable. If that means getting your nails done every week, wearing purple and pink, wearing things that say “I’m a girl and I kick butt” – go for it. Just stick with the jiu jitsu and know this:
For all the jiu jitsu gals out there – whatever it is, it will get better!
My fellow lady jiu jitsuistona? jiu jitsuka? jiu jitsunista? My fellow BJJ-ladies-in-arms have you found that your need to express your femininity on the mat has changed over the years? Stayed the same? And out of curiosity – do you own any gis that are clearly women’s gis – not in fit, but in design, such as pink/purple, hearts or flowers, etc. If you DO own a gi like that, what proportion of your gis are like that? Mine = 25% – 1 of 4.
[…] Jiu's note: Part 2 can be found here. I also regularly respond to most all the comments, so it's never too late to add your 2 cents to […]
Yay revelations!
I don’t make sweeping statements much, but I think most, if not all women would benefit from having their feminist threatened.
I’ve dealt with feeling “unfeminine” all my life (mostly due to my height/size) and going a step further into BJJ helped me not so much redefine femininity, but more allow myself to face that feeling and fear head in.
I hear you – it’s a weeeird feeling, though! ^_^ I think in the end it made me more comfortable just being me.
I have 3 gis (out of 6) that “look” like female gis. Two of those three are my main gis; I do 2 gi classes a week, and I wear one to the first class and the other to the second. Those 2 gis are both Atamas, and the fit is perfect. And that is my main reason for having and wearing them, that they are the best-fitting gis in my rotation.
I also have a rashguard that is white with pink flowers on it that I (put another shirt under and) bust out for some nogi classes. Again, my main reason for wearing it is because it fits well.
I do have a secondary reason for wearing those 2 gis & rashguard, though — we’ve had a lot of women coming in recently for their first class. I hope, first, that seeing another woman on the mat is inspiring enough, but also that seeing a woman wearing pink (i.e., not wearing skulls or trying to look “tough” or “masculine”) will reassure them that this is totally possible for them, too. I don’t even know if that works or if it makes any sense.
The interesting thing is that I used to hate, loathe, and despise the color pink in any form. But since doing jiu-jitsu and since having training gear in pink, I have found myself starting to wear pink in normal life, too. (Friends and family who have told me for years that pink looks good on me are enjoying saying “I told you so!) Because now I know that I can wear pink *and* can still kick your butt. So it doesn’t bother me.
That’s a really great point – about how others perceive you. As much as we may not want to admit it, every woman in BJJ *is* an ambassador for the sport, like it or not. We’re far too few to be anything other than that. We cannot be just another person who does jiu jitsu.
I do not like pink in any way, shape or form… but that may be partly because I am very short and young-looking, and so have struggled all my life to get people to take me seriously and not treat me like a child- so I have a whole list of things that I have to stay away from in order to look grown-up. Pink, ruffles, cartoon characters, primary colors, short skirts (unless they are really slutty-looking short skirts), high ponytails, ribbon, lace (see “short skirt” caveat above), etc etc.
I wear my fair share of dresses, I *never* wear heels, rarely wear makeup. I am generally comfortable with gender-neutral looks. I was surprised (dismayed?) to find, though, that when I cut off all my long hair (because it was driving me nuts in BJJ class), I *HATED* the way I looked. I had to grow it back, even though it’s the biggest pain in the tail.
I love your chocolate gi! ^_^ One of my best friends from Peace Corps is under 5’0″ – and I think she deals with that same issue. She will be mistaken for a middle schooler even though she’s in her 30s!
It sounds like, for you, the identity threat is about age – which is why the strong reaction. I wonder if you didn’t have more of a reaction to that than to the femininity thing. That would make sense to me.
Re: your hair – I wonder if there isn’t a stylist who could give you a cut you like. If it’s still driving you nuts, may I suggest getting pictures of the Suck-Cut and showing it to them and doing some brainstorming with them? I’m lucky in that my hair is just so darn flat – it’s very fine and is so naturally straight, so I never had to worry about any curl. However, because of that, with short hair, I can’t really use conditioner because it will make my hair too manageable and take away all the body! Argh.
Julia,
I was just speaking to a friend yesterday about the amount of discussion devoted to femininity in the online bjj community. I was never able to really identify with these posts and articles. Perhaps it’s because I spent most of my adult life in the military. Also, I’m a tomboy. Any other tomboys out there doing bjj? Hi!! Whatever happened to tomboys? I know we haven’t just turned into girls who do sport, because it’s evident that lots of athletic girls aren’t tomboys. But I digress.
I’ve been working and playing with predominantly males since I was small. Even when I was trying my hardest to be just like the guys or was covered by layers of unisex winter clothes, the fact that I am female isn’t something anyone often forgets. I’ll wear a dress when appropriate, and pink if it suits me, but I don’t wear makeup or nail polish in daily life, and have no desire to wear pink on the mats. Doing BJJ hasn’t affected how I carry myself or dress. Well, no– there is one thing: I’ve learned to be comfortable wearing rashguards, which are a lot tighter than anything I used to wear before. I’m fairly sure it’s difficult for a normal, healthy woman in a rashguard not to appear feminine to a man. As for my own reassurance, well, after all these years of wearing femininity-smothering uniforms, lifting weights, and doing jiu jitsu, I still can’t pee standing up.
MC – thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. It definitely makes sense that if BJJ fits into your normal framework of being around guys and doing guy things and being very tomboyish – that it would have zero threat to your personal identity, and would instead enhance it. I definitely think that those articles need to exist, especially for those struggling with that challenge. I know that I found it really comforting to have a sort of “go to” list with ideas of how to creatively satisfy that need that I had.
In a similar note – there was a time that I was hanging out with several trans people and lesbians, and at that time there was zero way I would be caught dead in anything that looked like it was masculine. On some level I didn’t want to be identified as anything other than a straight, female-identified woman. I was worried that if I wore “boy” clothes that people would mistake me for a woman who wanted gender neutral or male pronouns. It was an emotional threat to my self-identity – one I had never had before. (No, I don’t think there’s ANYTHING wrong with those identities – I’m just very satisfied with who I am). Now that I’m out of that community, if I wear a man’s suit I feel like I’ll be identified as a sexy woman in a man’s suit rather than a woman with a different gender identity.
That threat to one’s self-identity – perceived or real – can be powerful and create knee-jerk reactions. I think having some reassurances or resources can help ease some of that, and make people feel like they’re not alone.
Another fun topic! I’ve only been doing BJJ for a month, but I’m dead serious when I say that I wanted to quit when my instructor told me I’d have to cut my nails. My one and only vanity! I like to wear makeup (not too much), and I don’t spend much time on my hair, but my nails really mattered to me! I went home that night and seriously considered what was more important to me. Then I walked into the bathroom, cut my nails off, and cried. I had an identity crisis and complained for days about my ugly “man” hands, and how horrible it felt to have short nails. Just a few weeks later, I feel like my nails are just as beautiful when they are short. And I feel extra feminine in the gym, believe it or not. I’m the only woman, so my red toenails (which I spend more time on now than I ever did before!) stand out. I did also cut several inches off my hair, although it’s still somewhat long. And I have all of this fun in a violet gi. I love being a woman! 😉
On a side note, I am pretty proud of myself for a minor victory. Last night in class, another student was trying to teach me something and while he was doing so, he ended up kneeling on my upper arm “fat.” A few weeks ago, I would’ve panicked and told him to get off because that hurt! Instead, I ignored it out of desperation to soak up anything I can learn as quickly as possible. I have a big, beautiful bruise this morning. I’m just proud of myself for learning in a little way to work through pain.
I love your little stories here. I don’t know you, but I am proud of you too!
Before too long, even a short amount of fingernail growth will feel really irritating! That’s what happened to me anyway…
Hi, Ashley! Thanks for the support! This online community is amazing! I also have found that I can’t stand my nails getting longer lol. Funny how we change.
For me, it was about removing my jewelry. I refused to do it the first week. Then I gave in. I’m really glad that you still feel feminine and were able to get over it.
Oooh you have a lilac Vulkan gi? Those things are SO FREAKING SOFT! I want one next year!
Yeah – we deal with a lot of physical pressure and pain – and get used to it! Congratulations!
Love the conclusion of this entry. Whatever “it” is, just stick with jiu-jitsu and it will get better. This is solid advice for anyone. Examine why you feel X, think about what you need to do to fix it (if it needs fixing), and keep truckin’. It is this aspect of BJJ, among others, that makes us better as individuals.
And I clearly never blogged about femininity like I said I might….I have started at least 6 posts about various things over the past few months but just couldn’t find the will to fully form my thoughts. Not sure why…
Sometimes if I’m feeling REALLY STRONGLY about a subject, I just can’t write it – it’s too emotional. What if instead of “finishing” the post – instead you make them mini posts – like “Idea snippets” and have people comment on them?
Yes, that has definitely been the case a couple of times. The ideas and emotions are just too big and I get overwhelmed. I do tend to want to craft posts as dramatic, insightful, and artistic. Obviously not all of them are, but it does make the process a little more tiring, even if it is a lighter topic.
“Idea snippets” is a good suggestion, especially for those bigger topics. We’ll see if I actually start writing again though…I may just retire, and continue to enjoy reading/commenting on other blogs. 🙂
Well, Ashley, you’re welcome to toss ideas my way – of course, this is selfish on my part, as I am very interested in expanding content and collecting amazing ideas!
Hi Jiu Jiu!
I’d say half of my gi’s (and the ones that I wear most often) are the kingz and atama women’s cuts. This is mostly because they fit me the best with the bonus that some of them have the pink or purple colours… yes, I’m that girl who likes pink and purple! At the same time, I don’t think I do it to prove a point about being girly, it’s just a personal style preference, and fun that there are still small ways we can express our fashion choices at the gym! Men’s gi’s are just way too baggy, especially around the wrists and ankles for me, it’s impractical for training.
When it comes to feeling feminine at the gym, I haven’t concerned myself too much. I have never felt out of place or like I need to try to fit in and be more “tough and masculine”. I look like a child in my gi, especially with my ear guards on and hair messed up in a million different directions and no makeup. Working as an engineer, it’s the same male-dominate atmosphere where I show up to work with a ponytail, glasses and no makeup every day. I’m there to train/work and that is my focus while being there so let my hard work and dedication speak for itself.
Since starting jiu jitsu, I’ve made certain sacrifices to my girl rituals to help ease training: growing my bangs out so my long hair is easier to keep out of my face, and (similar to Stef) keeping my nails trim and not painting them as often. I guess my subconscious release where I let the girl in me run wild happens on weekends. I’ll throw on some cute clothes, a little bit of makeup and style my hair when I meet up with my friends! I enjoy dressing myself up when I have the time and occasion for it, I just don’t make it an every day thing. The best is when a gym friend or coworker sees me all did up for his first time: Seeeee! I CAN be girly and I’m proud of it! I don’t consider myself a tomboy or girly girl, just a sweet combination somewhere in the middle!
Yeah – I remember trying to buy men’s gis by my height/weight and it was AWFUL. I think it’s much better now, but I’m still iffy about buying them. I should go try some more on at the Isami store.
I’ve seen that women in BJJ tend to be polarized about pink – it SEEMS like they LOVE it or they HATE it. Intensely dislike most of the solid pink gis – they’re just a hideous color. But I tend to like the white with pink trim – it looks delicate to me. I have to admit – I freaking love flowers on the gi, though!
I know what you mean about them seeing you all dolled up! I freaking love hanging out with them after class when I can feel like normal me in makeup.
Since you posted this, I’ve been thinking for a few days about it, among my own growth from BJJ as I’m at a turning point. I was a type that came into BJJ decently girly – always perfect nail nails, but I also recognized I need to be practical and didn’t have issues cutting my nails short and removing my makeup. Though, ditching my earrings was a sad day for me – I wore them until I had them tugged, now I take them off. That was a good thing as now I buy more cute earrings that are easier to take off. I do have days I wish I could wear makeup or thought about attempted to wear some waterproof liquid liner or a lip stain, but it seems kinda silly to me or too much of a hassle.
The weird is before or after BJJ, I’ve noticed I’ve been ignored sometimes by others in the lobby or parking lot. A few times fellow BJJ peeps have stopped and said I look completely different in street clothes! One commented I look skinny without being in a gi, but in a very nice way. I’m wondering now that since I’m really busty, wearing a guy’s gi just makes me look like a barrel, lol! Whatever.
I do have a new pet peeve with some other fellow female BJJ mates that compensate by not wearing a rash guard (though, maybe they dislike them? I dunno) and always leave their kimono open or take it off and walk to the change rooms their sports bra with the guys gawking at them. Ewwww…
[…] want to feel more feminine while rolling with guys, love pink, love looking/feeling girlie, or are completely neutral about this subject. Note: pink gis are polarizing – women usually LOVE or HATE them. If you don’t know her […]
I never really gave much of a thought to the feminist side of training, or where it belonged. Perhaps because I’ve been training in Taekwondo for almost 10 years, and own a TKD school with my husband. I keep my toes painted red, and my nails short, because blocking a kick and breaking a nail hurts! I’ve been training BJJ for 2 1/2 years, though not always consistently. I’m a 3 stripe white belt, and my goal is to win my blue belt this year.
My husband and I started training BJJ together, so maybe that has helped, though our gym is great. Sensei makes sure the women and smaller guys stay safe, but we aren’t given special consideration. We’re there to train, and it’s all about what you put into the workout. My training partners (all men right now) don’t take it easy on me, though they try to keep some of their weight from crushing me, which I appreciate! With a few exceptions, everyone I train with has at least 50 pounds on me, if not more. They push me, encourage me, and help me, and maybe I’m their token female mascot.
I do wear women’s gi’s. My first gi was a men’s Keiko, size A1, and it was HUGE. By the end of class, my sleeves were a few inches past my finger tips. So frustrating! A classmate had a Freestyle gi, and I had gi envy. I ordered one, and love it! It’s so heavy and stiff, people can’t get ahold of me. But – it’s heavy. I acquired a “Sexy Machine” gi, by Bad Boy, which is lighter and softer, but the collar gapes open a lot. Both of those gis are black with pink stitching, and the sexy machine has pink eyes with lashes on the butt, and a heart on one shoulder. I recently bought the Storm Sakura for christmas, which is my first white gi. I loved the cherry blossom embellishments on the arm and leg.
But the color of my gi has nothing to do with my technique and effort. I wear them because they fit. One of my teamates keeps saying he wants to borrow my jackets, because of the fit. The more gis I acquire, the more I see how they all have different fits for different body shapes, and you just have to find the right one. I’m eyeballing the Fuji white one right now – it’s under $100, and I apparently think I need as many gis as TKD doboks in my closet.
I always wear a compression sports bra, to keep the girls minimized, with a rash guard on top. I do this more for my training partners comfort – they don’t want to worry about the girls, and I don’t want them to feel awkward or modify techniques just because I have extra lumps. At a tournament, I wear a full length sports bra tucked into compression shorts, so I don’t show skin. I’m not modest, but I don’t think a peep show has it’s place in BJJ – not if I want to be taken seriously.
I’m 41, petite, 5’2″, and about 145 pounds. I carry my weight well, since I’m pretty muscular, so I don’t look like a brick with feet, even though that’s what my height to weight would indicate. I wear an F2 gi, and they seem to fit pretty well. I’m in the process of dropping some weight, so I can compete at lightweight, though I want to get to feather weight by summer.
Hooray! More BJJ folks! Oooh – you should try a Tatami F3 – at least for pants. I may be able to sell you some Tatami pants at an AWESOME price. The pants are SO SHORT on me! Crazy short. They’re 3″ too small. But they may fit you – I’m 5’4″.
If you message me with the gi pants that fit you best I can compare and let you know if the F3 Tatami pants would fit you. For me, the tops are AMAZING. Best fit I’ve ever had.
Overall right now my Inverted Gear is my favorite. Just a simple black gi. But the pants, the top – all fit well. I do wish my tatami pants fit better because I love the tops so much. I will likely buy another Inverted Gear so that I can get it dyed!
CONGRATS on being another older woman in BJJ! I love that I have peers around my age!
[…] want to feel more feminine while rolling with guys, love pink, love looking/feeling girlie, or are completely neutral about this subject. Note: pink gis are polarizing – women usually LOVE or HATE them. If you don’t know her […]