Since starting jiu jitsu, between forums, this blog, and emails, I’ve received several messages that told me to “deal with it” with varying degrees of kindness. Sometimes it’s rudely in response to discussions about male privilege in BJJ, sometimes it’s about gendered comments, sometimes it’s kindly in response to discussions about what women should or shouldn’t wear. On some level, there’s a huge amount of uncomfortable things you just have to get used to if you’re going to do BJJ. Off the top of my head, here are a few:
- sweat
- other people’s sweat
- close contact with others
- having a heavier person on top of you
- having people try to choke you
- having people perform arm and shoulder locks on you
- being in positions that are most easily described using sexual terminology
- mixed gendered training
Honestly, these are aspects of BJJ that if you cannot deal with on any level, it really isn’t the right sport for you. If you say “I’m uncomfortable touching other people” I don’t know what to say other than “Maybe try yoga?” Like wine or beer, BJJ is something that may initially seem gross or unpalatable, but then you get used to it. I think a lot of the discussion about Ab Man and Cleavage Gal fall under this category – you need to learn to deal with it. And that’s okay.
It will be okay!
When I started, there was a move that was way too uncomfortable for me to practice. It was my first week. It involved pulling open the gi top, stuffing it in the armpits, and getting to mount. I had an over the top emotional reaction to it – it felt a lot like a simulated sexual attack. I told my partner “I’m sorry, I can’t do this” and sat out of that particular move. If we were to do that now, I would think nothing of it – it’s just par for the course. It was something I needed time to adjust to. Our feelings and reactions are valid, but it’s also possible that they’re precisely that – reactions, and something that we will learn to control.
Other aspects, however, fall under a different category. They’re often related to sexism and gender issues, but other things as well. I don’t think anyone, male or female, should have to “get used to” things like:
- gendered insults
- a sexually charged atmosphere
- retaliation for perceived slights
- poor hygiene
- dismissing your ideas/questions because of looks/character/self-esteem
- comments about your attractiveness
- suggestive comments
- cultish behaviors
I think the one that bothers me the most is when Internet Dude calls BJJ “a man’s sport” and acts as though women have somehow spoiled things for him, and that somehow this sport belongs to him and I should shut up because dang it all – I should be grateful I’m allowed to train at all. Hyperbole! To put it less sarcastically, “This is a man’s sport – you have to expect certain behaviors.” My way of thinking is that it’s a sport, belonging to neither gender.
Jiu Jiu’s Question: What do new folks need to learn to be comfortable with, and what should be addressed? In other words, when is it Your Personal Problem vs A Larger Issue?
I felt really uncomfortable the first time I rolled with a woman. Then I realized she was choking me with my own gi. At that point, I stopped caring about gender and haven’t started again since. Not getting choked>gender discomfort.
I think one thing that you may need to get comfortable with that, like the link you posted about instructors, people who train BJJ are morally better than the average person. We want to believe they are, but they just aren’t.
I really liked that you posted that we don’t necessarily have control over our emotions, but we do have control over our reactions. Frustration with stupid people being stupid is fine, but I think one of the biggest benefits of BJJ is forcing you to control your reactions (emotional, but also physical) to people doing or saying things you disagree with. I’ve improved my reaction to inappropriate comments by learning to control my reaction to jerks at my gym driving their elbows into my thighs in guard. I know it’s a silly example but I think that across the board, BJJ improves our ability to deal with other people.
Physical discomfort, people just have to deal with (or don’t.. there is always golf). But emotional discomfort, feeling disempowered, sexualized or marginalized that’s not ok.
Training partners are supposed to help each other improve. Collaborate on everyone’s game. e.g.:
That was cool, show me how you did that.
I can’t believe you got out of that.
Man you totally shut down xyz, so I had to transition to abc.
Hurting bodies is ok, hurting feelz not ok.
Get used to not being anyone’s first choice of drilling/training partner. It’s funny when the instructor says partner up for drilling, everyone looks past you and frantically searches someone else to pair up with.
Exactly why I always pick a woman first if there are any women on the mat (if she hasn’t already got a partner to roll with, of course). Not to be sycophantic, but a significant proportion of my favourite training partners over the last seven years have been women (including Triin, as it happens, as given the uniqueness of that name outside Estonia I’m assuming this is the same Triin I know. If there’s anyone at her gym who is intentionally avoiding training with her, they are missing out on some excellent training).
That’s also why I quite like having the instructor pair people up for sparring (and drilling, if necessary). It’s something I hadn’t experienced until a couple of years ago, as none of the other places I had trained did it, but I’ve come to prefer it, so do it in all my classes now. By leaving the decision to the instructor, there is no looking past people, known meatheads are kept away from people they are liable to injure and everyone is guaranteed a good roll/training experience (as long as the instructor is a decent judge of their students and they have a big enough class to pick from).
You should not have to get used to sexism or inappropriate behavior. But women need to understand that while BJJ is not a “male sport”, almost every place you train is going to have at least twice as many men there are women. So a woman who trains cannot be overly sensitive. Men are going to occasionally curse, engage in locker room talk, push and shove on each other, etc. Not every comment is offensive. Sometimes it is just boys being boys and it is best to just ignore them.
It’s not so much me and the art, though the learning of something so complex and technical is challenging. Nor is it me and the other artists, though I have encountered plenty of locker room talk and disparaging attitudes in the various physical activities I’ve tried. It’s me and my relationship to me that is both what sucks about jujitsu and at the same time the purpose for doing it. Where else but on the mat do I get the chance to feel completely and totally out of (my own) physical control, crushed and humiliated by failure in public? and where else but on the mat do I get the chance to enjoy the power of putting mind and body together and finally figuring out how it works? It’s unlikely that I’m the only woman with challenges in the relationship between my body, my brain and my emotional life – jujitsu is perfectly designed to explore how they work together and how they don’t. And when they don’t, it sucks…..
Great blog! I just started my blog. I’ve only sparred with one woman. Here are my thoughts:
http://40yearoldjiujitsu.blogspot.com/2013/11/sparring-with-women.html
I suppose this is the opposite of the “women shouldn’t train” view. I’m the only female in my class. Sometimes I feel bad for the guys. They have squishy outside parts that I forget about because I don’t have them too. I’ve only had one incident (practicing knee cuts) since I’ve started training, but its made me much more aware of their… sensitivities.