When I started doing BJJ, I lucked out in finding jiujitsuforums.com. It’s literally the only forum I know where a “Hot Girls in BJJ” thread was immediately shot down by a man saying “I strongly dislike the idea of this thread. Females in our sport have a hard enough time without being further sexualized by the male practitioners.” and the next 5-6 comments agreed with it. What makes JJF so different is that it is heavily moderated, and that moderation is supported and appreciated by the community. Jack kills trolls with the ban hammer, he warns people to knock it off when they start getting rude to one another, and insists people talk to one another like they’re on the mats. It’s a refuge online.
Sites Don’t HAVE to be Negative
A while back I read a great article called “If Your Website is Full of Assholes, It’s Your Fault.”
Why are people so cynical about conversation on the web? Because a company like Google thinks it’s okay to sell video ads on YouTube above conversations that are filled with vile, anonymous comments. Because almost every great newspaper in America believes that it’s more important to get a few more page views on their website than to encourage meaningful discourse about current events within their community, even if many of those page views will be off-putting to the good people who are offended by the content of the comments. And because lots of publishers think that any conversation is good if it boosts traffic stats.
My current frustration are sites that appear to be minority spaces claiming to support women in BJJ that then publish and support sexist, misogynistic articles and comments. The editor then claims that everyone has a right to be heard, and that it’s better to have “the good, the bad, and the ugly” so that people know what’s out there. And then to have said site refuse to remove a personal attack against me because I didn’t adequately explain how it negatively affected me or my training. Again, this is from a site whose tagline is “supporting women in BJJ.” Lovely.
I don’t want or need to know what every knucklehead with a keyboard thinks. I want to meet women and allies who practice jiu jitsu. I want to discuss issues and topics with like-minded people in a positive manner, and challenge some of my thinking through thoughtful discourse. I want community.
Every voice doesn’t matter–only the voices that move your idea forward, that make it better, that make you better, that make it more likely you will ship work that benefits your tribe. – Seth Godin
And what I realized: this space is exactly that. This space is no longer “A Language Teacher’s Take on Jiu Jitsu.” It’s not my space with my ideas. It has evolved organically into a community, and more specifically, a discussion-based community that is a safe, minority space. I’d like to define what that means.
What is a Safe Space?
A place where [people] can relax and be fully self-expressed, without fear of being made to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe on account of biological sex, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, cultural background, age, or physical or mental ability; a place where the rules guard each person’s self-respect and dignity and strongly encourage everyone to respect others. —Advocates for Youth
At jiujiubjj.com women, gender, and orientation minorities can comment without fear of having their motives/appearance/goals/values questioned, being called names, or having vitriol spewed at you. I don’t tolerate rudeness, nor do I allow transphobic, homophobic, bi-phobic, sexist comments. I expect people to behave as they would were they to join me and friends for a cup of coffee or tea. We’re all individual human beings and it’s frustrating to have attacks leveled at you. Disagreement is fine, but name calling, disparaging comments, and rudeness are not. Please behave better than my kindergarteners – they don’t know any better.
Why are Safe Spaces Moderated?
There are hundreds of websites where you can read all the good, bad and ugly comments you want – it’s pretty much every website you go to. In them, good comments are like diamonds in a field of cow patties – rare, and you have to wade through lots of shit to find them. Safe spaces moderate out the bad and the ugly, leaving the good. In them, bad comments are like finding a rock in your rice – rare and unwelcome. Because while those diamonds may be FREAKING AMAZING, you’ve still had to wade through crap to get to it, and I don’t think it’s worth it.
Which anomaly would you rather have: a lone amazing comment, or a lone negative comment?
It’s a good thing to require that folks contributing to your site uphold your community’s standards. It’s a good thing to have a site that allows for positive, helpful comments. That’s why I moderate for tone and for harmful attitudes. This is not a space where you can say whatever you want, however you want to, and whenever you want to. This is a space designed to be positive, helpful, and encouraging.
To that end, moderation needs to come from within as well as from without. I do this on my end – the first time someone comments, they are put into the moderation queue. After they’ve been approved, all comments are auto-approved. From time to time, I’ve had to moderate published comments because they did not adhere to my comment guidelines. I’m very thankful that at points when people did cross the line, members of this community defended that space by saying “This is not cool here.” And that’s important. As members of the community, I hereby deputize you as Moderators. This is your space, too, and I hope you will help it stay friendly.
What is a Minority Space?
[A] “minority space” is a space created by minority groups, for minority groups. It may allow privileged groups to listen to or participate in discussion, and it may not. It differs from a “privileged space” in that its exclusionary nature is not designed to uphold established power structures (as with gentlemen’s clubs and the like), but rather to provide a safe environment for minority groups to discuss issues that are not able to get airtime in “default” spaces due to those spaces being primarily focused on so-called “real” issues which too often amount to issues that the privileged group cares about. – A Deeper Look at Minority Spaces
This site is a safe place for women, orientation, and gender minorities, and allies are WELCOME! I try to clearly identify minority topics, through labels and titles. Men who are allies are welcomed and valued in our discussion. In fact, two of my favorite people who comment on this site are men: Charles Smith, and Can Sonmez. However, in articles titled “Women and BJJ”, men are expected to behave as polite guests, remembering that they are not the authority, and that it’s not their topic. It means being sensitive to things being discussed. It means you have a cool opportunity to learn.
If you are in a privileged group, check your privilege before commenting on a minority topic. If your goal is to be an ally – to encourage, show solidarity, support, or share more examples, EXCELLENT! Be sensitive to ensure you’re not shutting down conversations of those with different experiences than you, that you’re not defending the status quo, that you’re not discouraging folks from discussing their experiences.
It is SAFE to comment here
Sites that require thick skin cannot expect vulnerability. It’s hurtful to post about feelings of shame, then go to a forum and find people rudely criticizing it. (True story). I value and cherish vulnerability, which is why moderation is important.
That is what I am proudest at having created – a place where minorities in this sport can comment without fear or defensiveness. I know that because people tell me. I know that because we have an active community that participates in discussion, and that is RARE in the blogosphere. In short, you guys are awesome and you make this a space I’m so happy to visit and maintain.
Jiu Jiu’s Question: I have a favor to ask. Please comment as to your thoughts/reactions to your experience on jiujiubjj.com. I’d like testimonials I can share. I’d like other “Women Empowered” sites to know that safe spaces are appreciated and valued. How amazing would it be if sites realized how much better their spaces could be if they stopped allowing and protecting negative/sexist/misogynistic/disparaging/rude comments and articles on their sites.
Thank you again for making jiujiubjj.com what it is. I think you’ll really like what the next year holds in store for us – I have some awesome plans.
THANK YOU!! This blog has been the most welcome and safe and informative and RELATABLE place I’ve found on the web for women in Jiu Jitsu. I love that you think before you speak, you back up the things you say with rationale and examples and you tend to stay unbiased even when you, by nature, would tend to be biased for great reason. Thank you for giving us girls and women a place to come to that we can feel safe, free, and welcome to discuss Jiu Jitsu and being a woman in a largely male dominated sport. Both the males and females that comment here are largely supportive, kind, respectful and treat one another in the way that the Jiu Jitsu lifestyle is meant to train us to treat people. Much respect to you and the forum administrators. OSS!!
Hi, I just wanted to say thank you and that I greatly appreciate your site and your community. As I feel sometimes I am a little bit too nitpicky, I just wanted you to ask wether you have any advive about not just how to be not negative but but how to be more positive and encouraging? Thanks a lot 🙂
Hey Mark! Thank you so much for your comment! In order to give any advice about your nitpickiness, I’d need more information.
Do you mean in person? Online? In conversations? Technique?
I think part of it comes down to motivation – what’s your aim? If you’re a teacher, then yes, you sometimes have to be nitpicky – but even then you have to decide WHAT to be nitpicky about. If your aim is encouragement, then phrases like “That’s awesome” or “Congratulations” or “Great job” are ways to celebrate someone’s success with them. For example, if a new person gets you in a choke, rather than say “Yeah, but your technique was sloppy” you can say “Great job!”
If it’s about women’s issues – you can say things like “I hadn’t thought of it that way” or “Wow – this is something entirely new to me” you can also thank people for sharing.
I would recommend taking a look at comments left by Can Sonmez and Charles Smith. They’re both really respectful and I ALWAYS welcome them to the mix.
So, I am the exact definition of “privileged” as defined by your blog. I’m a middle class straight white guy. What do I do if I have a dissenting opinion to something you say? Do I keep that opinion out of this blog? It’s easy to feel excluded, which is ironic for a “privileged” guy. I am pretty conscious about what I say, but if the accepted tone or content of this site is too narrowly defined, my comments will either get moderated into internet oblivion OR you’ll get comments that aren’t genuine.
With that said, I check your site more than once per week, so obviously you are doing something right! 🙂
Thanks for your comment! I looked back over your comments, as I saw you had 5 published.
Depends on what it is and how you say it. I thought your opinion was perfect in the Sexy vs Sexual article. The one that was less were when you said “choose your battles” and pointed me to the Angel Platinum gi. I like discussing gray areas in sexism much more than the Big Bad Wolves. Again, just saying “Hey have you seen this” would have been much better. I get that a LOT – “why don’t you stop writing about X and write about Y instead” and my standard response is – “Why don’t you write about Y instead?” But while comments like that annoy me, you’ll notice it didn’t at all get moderated.
In any case – disagreement:
Imaginary scenario: I write an article about how some women are harassed in the gym.
Comments that are not welcome: “This is not a problem.” “Let’s just STFU and train.” “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
Comments that are welcome: “This is not a problem in my gym.” “I’m thankful the women I know don’t have to deal with this.”
Basically, if you have women saying something is a problem, please don’t make a blanket statement saying it’s not. Use hedgers – “in my gym” “in places I’ve trained” “women I’ve talked to”. Similarly, writing things like “omg I’m so sick of all this privilege crap – can we PLEASE talk about XYZ” – not welcome. Saying “Hey, can you write an article about XYZ?” totally welcome.
Again, it comes to – act like a polite guest in a house. How would you disagree with the host of a house? Are there times you might hold your tongue? Sure! And that’s okay.
I occasionally read some Fat Acceptance blogs. And yes, I do disagree with some of the articles. For example, there was one about why you should never remark on someone’s physical appearance. Frankly, some of it made me roll my eyes. I have lost a lot of weight and absolutely don’t mind someone remarking on it. I also don’t think it means someone is saying “You looked like shit before!” I think I tried to politely disagree but the comment was never approved – and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s not about Me and My Experience. Sometimes it’s about giving others the space to talk about their Not Me experiences, and my voice does not add to that. And that’s okay.
As far as feeling excluded – to be frank, that’s okay. You now have a VERY small taste of what many women feel – what I feel – when I go to so many forums. I avoid many forums for precisely that reason. I notice times that women are excluded, or language is “othering” to women. I notice those microaggressions that don’t come from a place of hate. They affect me.
Here are some types of blogs I would expect to feel a certain amount of exclusion: gay blogs, children’s blogs, men’s blogs, black women’s blogs, native american blogs, gardening blogs, roller derby blogs, video game blogs, gaming blogs, nerdy blogs, Peace Corps blogs. I would expect to feel a certain amount of exclusion in male dominated places – video game blogs, gaming blogs, nerdy blogs, etc because it’s easy without thinking to – to exclude or hedge out women, and they often don’t expect women to read. In the others, I don’t share a Very Important Trait with that person – a gay blog I will expect to discuss gay issues, and I’m not gay. Native American blogs will talk about indigenous people and I’m not one. Giving people space to talk about issues that don’t affect me is cool.
Since I wrote this article, I have not at all changed my comment policy. Play nice, be friendly, don’t make sexist/___ist comments, no personal insults, keep it relevant, don’t nitpick grammar, no spam.
Again, what really prompted me to write this was that I THOUGHT I was in minority safe spaces – “supporting women in BJJ” and it was absolutely not. This definition is just a public declaration that women, sexual and gender minorities DON’T have to worry about the kinds of comments I received. In short – nothing has changed except now I get to deal with more strangers telling me to STFU and to stop whining and that sort of things (received two of those beauties in the past 24 hours).
Thanks for the thorough, thought-out response. These kind of discussions always intrigue me, especially when a rational reason is given for a belief system/worldview different from mine. Gender issues have always been interesting to me, especially the application of gender issues in our society. By the way, the “houseguest” analogy makes sense for how to participate in your space.
I’m glad to hear it, and that you’ll be back. Honestly, I think you’re a perfect person for discussion in this space – I think that some of these ideas are different than what you’re used to, and so far you’ve approached things respectfully – I’d invite you over to have coffee with me and my friends! ^_^
In any case, if you DO find things you’re interested in having me write about, let me know! I sometimes get asked to write about different topics, and that’s always cool for me!
I feel like a broken record with this one, but everything you’re talking about goes to building and maintaining a community. Doing that means discretion…instructors exercise it and online spaces should too. Great (space and) post!
Thank you, Julia, for creating such awareness on this important issue. You’re establishing a good precedent for open exchange of ideas from many under-voiced segments of our community.
Thank you so much Georgette! I know you and I tackle two very different sides of BJJ women blogger situations, and I also very much appreciate what you do! Hooray for BJJ for bringing us together!
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