Jiu Jiu’s note: This week I have a guest writer, Sarah from RollingTrainWreck, who has been doing jiu jitsu for just over a year. In addition to dealing with gender issues, she also has had to work through PTSD and being a closeted lesbian on the mats. I am so inspired by stories of persevering through difficulties. If you’d like to tell your story anonymously (or not), please read the offer I posted earlier and contact me! [edited to add: this was initially published anonymously, but Sarah came forward on her blog and I made sure it was okay to update with her info]
If I were to describe how my my first nine or ten months in judo and jiujitsu felt – I’d have to say “alone.” My school is very small. Besides myself, there three other women who occasionally come. At least two-thirds of the time, I’m the only woman there – but for my first six months, there were no other women.
I remember the first time I realized there were others experiencing what I was; I was browsing the internet with some sort of ‘screw it’ query. I was at a quitting point, having World!Rage because I was tired of sucking, and feeling like I’d always suck – so I searched. Something like “I keep getting my ass kicked in jiujitsu” – expecting to come across at least mildly amusing YahooAnswers. That isn’t what I found. I browsed onto a BJJ blog – yours, I think – and it was like finding a pot of gold.
I barely put my computer down for days, soaking up the connection to Those Who Understood.
What it is like to be the smallest and weakest, with no way to make up the gap. To always be partnered by the instructor (or with AnyOtherWomen, regardless their comparative size) because no one wants to go with the girl. How batteringly terrible it feels to never get things to work, to get your ass kicked week after week, because guys can muscle you like you’re nothing, and knowing it’d take years before your technique will make a difference against it. Knowing you’ve got years and years of pummeling ahead of you. The times that makes you grit your teeth with determination, and the times that makes you want to quit.
How it feels to fight to be accepted by the guys, and to still feel like you’re on the outside looking in.
The guys who won’t train with you because you’re too easy for them. Guys who won’t train with you because you’re a woman. Guys who won’t meet your eyes. Guys who treat you like you’re a flower. Guys who treat you you like a threat to destroy. Guys who are afraid to touch you. Guys who are afraid to lose to you. Guys whose wives are threatened by you. Guys who think you’re hitting on them. Guys who hit on you.
I could ask questions; What is it like for others to be the only girl among men? How do you handle sexual innuendo – if I laugh, I might look bash or unfeminine, but if I don’t laugh, it’ll make others uncomfortable! Will my teamates care that I’m a lesbian – will that make it easier (they won’t think I’m hitting on them), or will it make it harder (I don’t know how they stand on homosexuality)? How do I handle it when I accidentally knee my partner in the balls? Does anyone else have PTSD – how do you handle it when you panic because you’re being pinned by a guy? Will I EVER get this to work?
All of a sudden, I realized I wasn’t alone. It opened my eyes and made BJJ so much better. I felt like I was part of a huge community of people just as crazy-obsessed as I, but even more, I found a place where my struggles were normal.
What you said is true – being a girl in jiujitsu is HARD. Our individual struggles are unique, but they’ve got a pretty common thread across this crazy sport. I don’t doubt that BJJ is hard for anyone, but I know that many things I experience are largely related to my gender.
I remember going home after every class and crying myself to sleep, having horrible fits of nightmares because grappling triggered my PTSD like nothing else. No one understood that, for me, judo/jiujitsu wasn’t about fun – it was about making myself do something that left me blind-terrified, but fighting through it. My therapist, my family – thought I was nuts. But it worked – the longer I kept going, the less frequently I went home and sobbed. The quicker I was able to pull myself into reality, and the shorter length of time I remained frozen. It was remarkable.
And somehow, so gradually I didn’t even realize – it became fun. I stopped being afraid and started getting invested in getting better. I stopped trying not to drown, and started fighting back. I wasn’t going because it scared me anymore, I was going because I couldn’t think of anywhere else I wanted to be.
I wouldn’t ever be able to mention to my teammates that I’m fighting to recover from PTSD, but with the anonymity of the internet, I can say it: it is fucking terrifying, as a woman, to find yourself pinned by a man twice your size. I imagine that even if I’d never been victimized, I’d find that terrifying. Isn’t it what women are trained to feel? And then in BJJ, we ASK our partners to mount us and pin us and submit us – and it is terrifying. It makes our instincts scream.
I didn’t know others experienced that. I thought BJJ was hard for me because, well – I’m me. It completely changed my BJJ journey, when I found other women to connect to. Maybe it has something to do with being a woman – what do I know? – but I need to be able to share my struggles and successes with others who get it. Because even though this is stupidly body&brain-breakingly difficult, I absolutely love it, with every cell in my body, and I want to keep fighting through.
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I like jiu-jiust
?? I don’t understand.
Sorry to hear about your struggles with PTSD and the uncomfortable nature of not knowing how your academy-mates would react to you being a lesbian. I can’t imagine what that feels like even after reading your account.
It’s a real sad statement about the U.S. (if that’s where you are) that one has to be concerned about stating one’s sexuality. It makes the statement “land of the free” sound so hypocritical.
I’m glad that you were able to work through it, but I am really frustrated that your instructor didn’t do a better job. Instructors who do not engender a culture of respect in their academies truly fail their students and the sport of BJJ.
Hopefully, over time that will change. Hopefully, people will learn from posts such as yours and by extension the whole Lloyd Irving fiasco and work to make their academies more open and diverse. Nothing can call itself a sport if only one group of people can participate. Also, the sport will not grow if we are not welcoming and respectful.
Thanks for sharing your story. I wish you all the best.
Jaime – are you in the U.S.? I will say that however concerned the author may be, that America is still miles ahead of many other countries regarding that, including countries where they flat out deny that homosexuals in their country even exist. But I get what you’re saying.
I agree that diversity is so important in this sport. The more diverse it is, the more inclusive it is, the better they are to handle differences, and the more likely others will feel part of the team instead of an “other.”
I completely agree with you, Julia. This is inspiring.
However, I do have to admit that on a personal level I’ve been at a loss in understanding women’s issues within BJJ, at least some of them anyway. Sure, I can empathize with the invasion of personal space, hygiene issues, all of that. But some of the issues that have been brought up in this guest post, some of your writings, and the writings of a few others, have had me scratching my head. Issues of inclusion, intimidation, all of that, I just simply never clued in on.
Maybe it’s because I belong to a certain generation or age demographic. Even though I ‘came of age’ during the beginnings of the sexual revolution, women’s lib, and all that, I was still raised in a way that ingrained the fact that my role as a man is to protect women. Now, on the mats I will in no way coddle you unless you specifically ask for that, or need it in order to learn, but maybe you get the gist of what I’m getting at. Call it old-fashioned. The fact that, in the words of your guest writer, I had training partners “on the outside looking in” never registered.
About 10 months ago, one of the girls I regularly train with made an off-handed statement the she likes working with me because I “make her feel safe in here.” The import of that was lost on me at the time. I just took it as a compliment on my abilities as a training partner. Or maybe just a general comment on the role of “wizened, grizzled old dude” that’s been hung around my neck in my own academy. After exploring a few blogs and what not, I get it.
What I think is going on is that sports (and this applies to any sport) serves as a guy’s lifelong playground. It’s usually the thing that gives us our first real taste of close comradeship and platonic intimacy, and it’s also the thing that fosters this and keeps it alive. And throughout our lives it occupies a central place in our social imagination. But… it’s also usually the place where we first learn and start to rehearse those negative, stereotypical male attitudes and actions that women find so endearing. In short, it fosters the mindset of “You don’t belong.”
Chivalry dies, and in my view that begets the birth of sexism.
And I have to also admit that I’m at a loss in how to approach fixing this. If I was more articulate, I could explore this from a ‘male’ point of view instead of throwing up 3,000 words that basically equate too ‘My BJJ Sucks’. I just wouldn’t know where to start.
Regardless, I do want to say thank you for bringing these issues out into the light and for giving a voice to those who might otherwise not have one. Chatting with some of the guys in my school who have become good friends outside of it, I think most women would be surprised at the number of men who were completely unaware that any of this was going on. And with anything, awareness is key, right? Thanks again and I look forward to the next.
And to the author of this post, I can’t put into words the big, moronic grin this post put on my face.
Thanks again for this comment. I really found it inspiring. I think that what can help is to read other perspectives, and just be aware of them, then see if they do exist in your home gym (spoiler: they probably do!).
I’ve read posts by boys (yes, young boys) who felt uncomfortable asking a female teammate to roll because they thought the girl would think they were hitting on her or asking for a date or something. o_O. That’s where guys like you come in – you can educate the younger guys who are nervous about that and get their heads right!
“I can say it: it is fucking terrifying, as a woman, to find yourself pinned by a man twice your size.”
Exactly! I was also training 6 months before getting to roll with another woman. My teammates were great but I felt that they just couldn’t understand how frightening it is to realise that a man twice your size has you pinned and you’re not getting up unless they let you. I’m sooooo impressed by your story. You are inspirational, thank you for posting this. (And Jiu, Jiu, thank you for having the fantastic idea to let others share like this!)
For me, it wasn’t about the hygiene or the personal space (although that did take a bit of getting used to!) but it was about really, truly finding out, again and again and again, just how quickly a man could have me on the ground and unable to fight them off. I have great team mates and I trusted them very quickly not to hurt me. It wasn’t what they would do that was distressing; I knew on a logical level that I was completely safe. The scary part was realising over and over what they COULD do.
Sigh. I just invited a friend to my club and he grabbed my collars and just pulled me down. I literally couldn’t do a damn thing. It’s a really scary feeling to grok how easily you could be manhandled by a guy if he wanted to harm you.
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Hey guest blogger!
You are so very awesome! I am a bit weird in that I HATE people invading my personal space, but from day one in bjj getting squashed by a bloke has never bothered me, even when I can’t escape… But I can appreciate how scary it can be, so frickin awesome job!
On the gay thing… Don’t hide it dude. My opinions on this are totally from a straight females point of view though, so I don’t know how realistic they are. I’m from australia, so that could be different too. Anyway, if it comes up, it comes up, you don’t need to say ‘hey I’m gay’ just as I don’t need to say ‘hey I’m straight’. Even though I have a shaved head, am covered in tattoos and a lot of people assume I’m gay until they meet my hysband and kids!! Solely speaking from my experience at my club, it shouldn’t be an issue, and if someone has one, then it is theirs… I roll with 2 chicks who are gay, no one cares at all…
Easier said than done I know, but be proud of who you are, where you’ve been and what you are doing. If you come across a guy who you think might have an issue rolling with you for some reason then ask them! Nicely of course. With any new rolling partner I usually say “yeah I’m a girl, but don’t be scared of hurting me, I’ll tell you if you are going too hard, but don’t just smash me because you can either, because chances are you can” generally that works.
Some guys though really freak out because they have inbuilt “don’t fight with chicks”. These guys are still great, but they need encouragement, I like to acknowledge their respect for women but then tell them they are allowed to fight with women here… They try, but they need time 🙂
Sorry about that essay, but good luck with your rolling and everything else!
Hey – I went over and checked out your blog. It was hard to find your jiu jitsu thoughts – I didn’t see tags or the like, so I didn’t wander very far in. I hope you keep posting here, though! I did read your take on gender and jiu jitsu.
You do MMA? I think it’s a bit harder for guys to hit women than to grapple with them, but that’s just my opinion.
I agree too – that I don’t tell the guys on my team “Hey I’m straight” and to that extent I wouldn’t were I gay. And yet if there was an assumption “Hey, are you dating any dudes?” that you could be honest and say “I don’t date dudes.”
Hmm. Tags. I’ll work on those 🙂
I like your blog. I love that you post guest blogs. Awesome idea. And I really like your attitude!
Your right. Hitting a chick and rolling are very different, but still similar I think… In a weird kinda way.
[…] What got me thinking about this were two things. First, a thoughtful comment by Jon from JonJitsu (his comment is really good – go read the whole comment!) […]
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[…] What got me thinking about this were two things. First, a thoughtful comment by Jon from JonJitsu (his comment is really good – go read the whole comment!) […]
[…] few months ago, I wrote a[n anonymous] guest post for JiuJiu’s BJJ Blog, about training in grappling and dealing with […]
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I’m reading through tears. Today was that day on the mats for me. Please, please don’t let them notice I’m getting teary-eyed. Please don’t let them see me as weak. I’m small and a little timid. But I’m also stronger than they will ever know. I have endured so much and I’m still here. I, too, joined BJJ to get through PSTD and a life long fear of men. They have no idea. I’m pretty lucky to have my boyfriend train at the same gym. Today he rolled with me and made sure my back was to the team so no one would see the tears that I couldn’t quite keep in. I’m going back tomorrow. But most of me doesn’t want to. It’s scary, it’s hard…and not fun. Yet.
Thanks for sharing your story. Feels a little less lonely.
Big hugs to you. I’m glad you have a support system. I have no issues leaving the mats quickly. For me, it’s mostly because they’ve decided “Let’s do jumping jacks” and I feel myself start to pee a little. :/ Yay for weaker kegel muscles with age! /sarcasm. If I started to cry – same thing.
It sounds like you think that jiu jitsu is important, and that’s why you’re doing it. I think that’s a wonderful reason – sometimes even better than “Yay jiu jitsu is FUN! That’s why I do it!” I’m now at a “Not totally sure the exact reason I do it, but it’s what I do and I’ll do it forever” place.