As I mentioned, I’m a brand-newbie white belt. Got it on June 1, 2010. I usually work weekends, which is when tournaments are. But one came up quickly, and as luck would have it, I was free that weekend. So I decided to sign up for the tournament here, on July 18.
I support women in BJJ. I know I’m new to it, but what can I say–I’m a pro-female, feminist, womanizer grrrlpower kinda woman. I support women doing whatever I’m doing. This was true when I played Legend of the Five Rings, Dungeons and Dragons, and board game tournaments. I want more women doing what I do.
Me in my Fenom black gi at the tournament!
So to support women in BJJ I decided to go to this tournament and represent :). The only way for more women to go is for the women in it to actually go. Putting my money where my mouth is, I signed up. Right around $30, and I was warned up front that I may not have anyone to spar. I decided to go anyway. GRRLPOWER and all that.
I was excited and nervous, and more emotions than I thought. When I got to the tournament it turned out there were a total of 3 women there. Including me. At the time, what I felt was not pride, but embarrassment. I was the heaviest girl there, and the only woman in my weight category, so when my instructor had me stand on the podium to get my gold medal, it felt like “Here’s a gold medal for being the fat chick.” It felt absolutely humiliating to go through the pomp and circumstance of standing there, alone, with a gold medal around my neck for attendance.
That was the start of the strong emotions.
Then my instructor said the tournament would allow me to compete against a student. I am 33 years old, and they put me against an 18 year old student. We were up almost immediately and it was done in less than 30 seconds, no exaggeration. He pulled me into his guard, then quickly got me into an armbar. A really aggressive armbar. A really painful armbar. By really painful I mean: I cried out (more a yelp than a scream), then laid on the mat, cradling my arm, and started crying. I couldn’t stop crying because it hurt so much.
My instructor and the tourney guys sprayed some icy hot stuff on it, then wrapped it tight and gave me some general advice for it. I was still in tears. They stood me up on the podium in the second place spot and gave me a silver medal for being #2 in a 2 person category.
Did I mention that at the time I felt completely humiliated? Did I mention that the tears didn’t stop for at least a full half hour, then when I got home I had an even bigger sobfest? Oh, no? Okay then never mind me mentioning it.
This is what I earned for being a woman at a BJJ tournament
I felt ashamed and humiliated, and at the time felt like I won a gold medal for being a fat chick, and a silver medal for a dude cranking my arm so hard that I cried in front of EVERYONE. At the time.
Since the tournament I’ve been recovering. Yep, haven’t been back to BJJ since, but not for lack of want. The armbar injury hurt so bad that I couldn’t move my arm the next day, nor the day after. Just over a week later I FINALLY have full mobility, but still pain when it’s fully extended or bent. I hope that it will be better by tomorrow, but I’m certain it will be better by Friday.
Since the tournament I’ve also had a lot of reflection time. And time to be bitter. And then time to hear what people were telling me. And time to process, and here’s what I’ve come up with:
I earned those medals, damn it! No other women showed up! That reflects more on them than on me. Also, I will never again at a tournament roll with an 18 year-old boy who is a white belt because he will be full of testosterone, adrenaline, not enough body awareness, and too concerned about potentially losing to a woman. Bad combination. It equals aggressive armbars. Thinking back, I’m sure he felt a little bad about it (I hope so!).
Some people have asked what I learned from my experience (besides the “don’t roll with 18 year old male white belts at tournaments”) and I would say: I learned I am armbar phobic, so my goal is now to protect my elbows. Really.
But never fear: I’ll be back! I plan to go to as many tournaments as I can. I can’t wait to get back to class and get back to rolling. I love BJJ, and one stupid, humiliating tournament and one stupid, humiliating armbar, and one stupid, humiliating sobfest in front of 200 people are not enough to make me quit. GRRLPOWER!
First of all, I have the same gi! 🙂 Woohoo!
Second of all, good for you for having the guts to go and compete!! As you will see, most people don’t. I personally hate tournaments, but I do them anyways because I think it’s important to challenge yourself and to assess where your game is. There’s nothing like going against a stranger who is grappling with all they’ve got to point out where the strengths and weaknesses are in your game.
Third, don’t think that just because you were the biggest in size that you won because of that. If you beat those girls, you beat them. End of story. In my first tournament, I weighed 140 lbs and I had to grapple a girl who weighed 209lbs. I ended up winning. BJJ is one of the few sports where technique can trump size and strength. If you went against those girls and beat them, be proud of that!! You earned it!
As to the spastic 18 year old kid, I agree completely with what you said. Young whitebelt guys + ego + tournament + grappling a woman = 🙁
Like you said, many of them lack the control to know when they are putting on a submission dangerously fast and hard. Having said that, understand that some people go hard like that on purpose, not caring who they hurt. They justify it because “it’s a tournament”. In my opinion, that’s garbage. A true display of skill is being able to own someone without having to spazz the heck out. But it still happens.
Good job!!
@allison Oops! I was apparently unclear. I was the *only* person in my weight category. They were both tiny girls and in the same category. I was literally handed a medal because there was no one to compete against.
I also loved going to the tournament to support my team. I’m very intent on bonding with them, WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT 😉
Thank you for the comment!
I agree — the only way to get more women at tournaments (and into BJJ at all) is to have more women doing it. Next time a girl says, “But I probably won’t have anyone to fight,” her teammates will say, “Wait, yes, you will — there were girls there last time.”
Sorry you had the bad experience with the idiot boy. I think you’re right, that he was so worried about losing to a girl.
Yep! It’s so easy for something to build momentum one way or the other: show up and more will, don’t show up and more won’t.
Here I’m dealing with some Korean cultural issues as well. The women in my class are really nice, but they definitely PRESENT as cute little girlie girls–two of them NEVER roll anyone but women. At first I resented that because I felt like I didn’t want to be lumped in with them. Now I’m like their older sister (they’re 19 and I’m 33) and I make it a point to joke around with them and have fun with them on the mat. I’m encouraging them to be more aggressive 😉
Beautiful post. So much in here about the pitfalls of starting out in BJJ, being a woman in BJJ, determining how important competition is to your jits and more. Moving story, and I can only imagine the humiliation, but I am so glad you shook it off and took positivity from it in the end. Play the long game girl!
Thank you very much! It was surprising to me how much it shook me at the core. That feeling of wanting to be accepted by the guys and then feeling like I “cried like a little girl” and then getting angry for being frustrated at myself for “acting like a woman” but then being proud of myself for being a woman in BJJ. >_<
STUPID COMPLICATED BRAIN! 🙂
You already know I cry a LOT about jiu jitsu 🙂
Someone very wise once told me– but of course you cry! When are you EVER in a very serious, passionate, important relationship that doesn’t at some point bring you to tears? Whether tears of frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, or joy– that’s just part of the experience.
And so, I look at jiu jitsu and realize I am truly in relationship with this lovely, frustrating, challenging art. Like you I try to have the long view. Kudoes and keep up the hard work!
And… should you ever come to Texas, just know there are several girls around your size at the tournaments. Just keep on keepin’ on and they’ll sort themselves out eventually! 🙂
I wouldn’t worry so much about it. In my first tournament I entered gi, no-gi, 30+gi, 30+ no-gi, and beginner’s abosulte gi and no gi. That’s 6 events. I lost five…all by submission. And the one I won was because there was no one else over 30 who was my weight class. My coach said “way to be the right weight, man!”. Just keep going and you’ll get better and better. It won’t feel like it because your friends are all getting better too, but you’ll be getting better. And if you feel like you’re not getting it, just keep going. If you don’t get it today, you’ll get it later. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
WOW – thank you so much for sharing! I am super impressed with you! Recently, after my last belt promotion I completly lost it…I started crying, and then sobbing. I had to go to my knees because I was heaving with emotion. All in front of about 100 people. We put so much of ourselves into our training it’s totally fair that we have emotions. And trapped emotion leads to illness faster than anything. Get it out and keep going forward.
I believe from reading your post that we would be around the same weight, and I’m 35 y/o. I’ve had times where I have cried in class because I thought people didn’t want to roll with me because I am the largest girl in our school. But whatever, I have my strengths and my weaknesses like every bjj practioner, and any negativity was mainly in my own head. I now focus on other things. Skinny legs don’t omoplata they way mine do!!
I hope I have the courage to enter a tournament when one comes round my way, and if they give me a gold cause no one showed…well, that gold medal would stand as testament to my hard work and unbreakable spirit.
Keep training, I think you rock.
Yeah, I think that’s what’s been hard for me–realizing that a lot of the stuff exists in myself, not necessarily externally. I IMAGINE people are judging me based on other women. I IMAGINE they’re thinking “oh great–a chick is crying.” I IMAGINE so much and a lot is likely unfounded.
I just turned 34 (today!).
I started making good relationships with the skinny girls in the class. Figure if we have fun together they’ll be happy to roll with me, and really, it’s worked! I always hug the girls, say hi, joke around, and it’s made our relationships really good. Now they’re happy to roll with me 🙂 I think one of the awesome things was when I started to focus on what advantages my body had, but the first two weeks it was SO HARD not to focus on “I can’t do X Y or Z!” or “My body doesn’t move like that!” Then I discovered the wonderfulness of scarf hold and side control. Perfect for a short, squatty body 🙂
Congrats on your belt promotion! What color are you?
Thank you so much for the comments! They’re much appreciated!
H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y!!! If I knew I would have baked you a cake!!!
My belt promotion was for Karate. I train BJJ, MMA and Karate.
In BJJ, I have a white belt and 4 stripes (I will probably be carted away by ambulance at my blue belt promotion!!!). Have been training twice a week (3hrs) for 14months, and I am only just starting to understand and appreciate it. I’ve had some ugly WTF moments, where I didn’t get anything, but one class it just clicked – my bjj “a-ha” moment, and that was only 3 months ago!
Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY again, hope you’ve had an awesome day.
DARN IT! BAKE ME MY CAKE!!!!
And happy birthday belatedly! Mine is Sunday– rock on, lionesses!
So I know I’m a little bit slow on the commenting (I just found your blog), but damn girl…you go! Firstly, I don’t know what geniuses put you in a match with an 18-year old white belt boy, when you’ve only been training for two months. That was a recipe for disaster–not because of anything you were doing wrong, but because I know first hand of their lack of control (long story). And anyways, you had the guts to sign up and go, which is far more than I can say for myself. Not only that, but that you could feel that humiliated (although you have nothing to be ashamed of) and still went back to the sport says loads about your character. Keep it up!
Super awesome post. Sounds like you learned a lot. It is very commendable of you to compete, especially so soon!
Early on I wasn’t interested in competing, whatsoever. Now I have been training for a while and I feel differently, but the timing for competition has not worked out. Part of me is hypocritical about it (“oh, there won’t be anyone to compete against…so what’s the point”), but I will compete soon… I don’t like being a hypocrite!
[…] and on the third day I sparred lightly. My arm is fine now, but sadly, it was the SAME ARM as my horrible arm bar injury. Clearly I need to injure the left one to even things […]
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Linked to this on a forum thread | http://www.efnsports.com/forum/index.php?topic=11764.0; you might want to get in on the action 🙂
THANK YOU!!!!
You got smashed and came back for more. This is part of your BJJ journey and you have every right to be proud of it.
Why is the EFN sports forum different? I think you will find there is support for you there if you do come back…
Have a think about it? 🙂
Al
My home forum is Jiu Jitsu Forums and I post there daily. I went onto EFN because I was given a heads up they were discussing me. JJF is a much more positive place, and since my time is finite, I’d rather spend it in places where I do not feel attacked. I was just in there as a visitor, not as someone buying a potential new home 😉
OK. Well, it would be nice to see you there again if you are in the area. 🙂
All the best,
Al
Thank you!!!
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@Julia, amazing post. First time in a tournament is traumatizing. I was terrified of literally everything the first time I went. I didn’t want to weigh in in front of everyone, I was horrified people could see me rolling (ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE ME LOSE?!) and I was worried that I’d disappoint my instructor. But after all the fear, I had a blast. I met amazing women that kicked ass. (One was a BJJ Brown Belt! OMG. Seriously, I acted like a fangirl. It was kind of pathetic, and probably embarrassing. ) I dont know you, but I want to tell you I’m proud of you. You are amazing, and beautiful and strong. I really hope I see you at a tournament one day (although you are way ahead of me…I’m still a white belt) Thank you for this blog! I’m a little obsessed.
Hahahaha I acted like a BJJ fangirl every time I met a female colored belt on my BJJ vacation! OMG YOU’RE A LADY BLACK BELT! OMG YOU’RE A LADY BROWN BELT! OMG I DIDN’T KNOW YOU GUYS REALLY EXISTED! hahaha
Are you in North Carolina? I’m asking because of your email.
Glad you’re enjoying bjj and glad you’re enjoying the blog!
Hahaha thats definitely what I did! I was like OMG YOU ARE A BROWN BELT. WILL YOU FIGHT MY COACH? HES A BROWN BELT. GO KILL HIM! hahaha Yes I’m in NC. Gahh I’m obsessed with BJJ. If you are ever back in the US on the east coast it’d be cool to see you at a tournament. Im trying to do as many as I can
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