This is really for anyone doing any sport. I use BJJ examples, but feel free to jump in on the comments even if you don’t do jiu jitsu!
The tag line for Peace Corps is “The hardest job you’ll ever love.” I found, during and after my time in Ukraine, that “hardest” meant a lot of different things to a lot of different people. There were some who felt braced and ready to deal with extreme rural living in Africa, but when presented with life in Ukraine, they left. For some, not being needed was the hardest aspect. For other, it might have been not having friends, feeling like an outsider, etc. Lots of people quit Peace Corps before their time is fully up.
Today on my way to jiu jitsu, I realized that a lot of the mental challenges are much harder than the physical ones. Sure, it’s tough to do some of those fancy moves, but I think for many people, “harder” equates more to the emotional/mental side, which is what I want to ask and talk about.
Over the years (okay seriously – it still blows my mind that I can say that!!), what is mentally hardest for me changes. When I got my blue belt I had to get over the mental hurdle of not feeling like I was at the skill of my belt. A little while back I realized I was sometimes one of the highest ranked people on the mat at any given time, and that felt really difficult–I’m fine being the worst – not as fine being better. Other times, feeling like I can’t do anything or can’t pull off jiu jitsu against a fully resisting male opponent has been the most difficult aspect. After my injury, I was really worried about getting injured.
However, for me, the hardest part about jiu jitsu – above everything else, and this is consistent – is actually going. It’s the chat that I have with Sally when the weather is terrible. “It’s so cold and raining and snowing and windy – it would be SO MUCH BETTER to go home. Think of all you could do if you went home.” Once I’m there I’m FINE! But it’s the challenge of NOT going home sometimes. It’s my desire to be lazy.
To combat Sally, I try to decide at the beginning of the week how many days to go. It’s usually 3-4. I plan out the days in advance. Then, as much as possible, I go on autopilot. I shut off that part of my brain and just GO. If I can automate that aspect, all the better.
JiuJiu’s Question: What, for you, is the most difficult mental/emotional hurdle you face for your sport of choice? How do you talk yourself off that ledge, or is it simply muted momentarily and is always a low rumble in the background?
Nice read. Thanks for the push to keep going today.
Consider yourself PUSHED! ^_^
Nice article. I’m a dedicated distance runner so I can definitely appreciate the emphasis on creating a habit. In my experience, the moment I stop and think about what I’m doing, I’m finished. Let’s face it, trying to race a 10k isn’t intrinsically fun and can be rather painful.
Your comment about being one of the best on the mat also resonated with me, though perhaps in a different way from what you intended. I used to be very good at running before taking a few years off. Now, I’m back at the white belt stage of running, but my mind remembers being so much more advanced. It’s difficult to come to terms with not being where you want to be when you know you can be so much better.
Thanks for the inspiration to keep pushing myself.
Hahaha that inner dialog is horrible, isn’t it! I know that eventually when I get back in the gym it will be emotionally painful, as at one point I was able to bench 50kg but now – nowhere close to that. 🙁 I also remember taking about 6 months off due to an injury – same thing – feeling like “oh crap – why am I doing this again?”
Thanks for another compelling question. My hurdle(s) are the awareness that I will never be really good at jiu jitsu, the associated aches and pains, and my family’s resentment of time spent on the mat*.
I go train because I really enjoy my training partners, the environment we have created, and the challenge of making this stuff work.
*no, she is not going to give it a try
Steev – what level are you? I’m asking because I also have that feeling I will never be really good at jiu jitsu, then I have these flashes where I all of a sudden realize my BJJ is WAY better than it used to be. It’s still rubbish compared to others at my level, but I’m much better now than I think I ever thought I’d be.
I’m really sorry that your family resents your time on the mat. I know my roommate hates when I do jiu jitsu, but that’s not quite on the same level.
JiuJiu-I am a purple and I can also occasionally see the progress I have made. When I roll with someone more talented or athletic it sometimes can point out the utter futility of the few hours I spend on the mat, especially if they posses a better work ethic in addition to a better toolset. Not always, but it does happen…
My family does not hate BJJ per se, but they certainly resent the time I spend on it. When a 9 year old asks you not to go train, it becomes a hurdle.
In the end, I will train more than I skip and enjoy the opportunity. And I leave my gi out to remind me as well.
I resonate with all those reasons for not going, especially the notion that the couch is a rather appealing place to spend the evening. And I really liked your comment about feeling you didn’t deserve your rank – I decide fairly frequently that I definitely don’t deserve my stripes. As a result of that decision, I believe that my training partners are nice people who only include me because they feel sorry for me and don’t want me to feel bad about myself; moreover I’m making a serious error of judgment in thinking that I have the mental and physical capacity to do bjj in the first place. Then I see my gi hanging right where I can’t avoid seeing it when I walk in from work and off I go to class……..
I think everyone has those feelings of being a fraud. For me, trusting in my teacher has helped. If you don’t trust him (or her) then this does not work. But as a language teacher who has given level tests to English students, I know that they often internally call me a liar. I have seen enough students to feel confident in my decision, and I trust my teacher, who has seen a lot more BJJ students than I have – and looks at my BJJ much less emotionally than I do.
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Competition. It sucks when you train hard all the time, spend a lot of money to go to competition and then lose because of one mistake. Makes you want to save your money for a new gi or something and not compete. But then, I love traveling and sparring with new people. And sometimes, when I know I have no chance of winning, I compete just to troll people, just to make the road to victory a bit longer and harder for them. And I have always learned things the hard way. Some day I will be good enough to win. I’m going to continue bashing my head against the wall. At some point the wall will start to crack.
Oh, yeah. I always go to training. There is nothing I love more than rolling on the mats. It always makes me feel better.
Definitely injuries. I’ve had several, and it messes with my motivation and progression.
I took 6 months off due to a herniated disc in my back. I went to class and watched. If anything it made me more motivated because I reeeeally wanted to go back. It did, however, suck because I didn’t have those moves in my muscle memory. 🙁
So true…as physically intimidating as BJJ is, the mental is a much bigger deal.
Agreed! BJJ screws with my emotions a lot of times – both for good and bad.
Can someone give me some advice? I’m an 18 year old female who recently started up jiu jitsu again a few months ago. I used to train years ago and was very talented, but now I’m starting from scratch at a new gym. I feel like I’m in high school again at this gym. The vast majority of my training partners are very cliquish and only want to train with their friends. Even after being there for several months now they still make me feel like a complete outsider who is unwelcome. It’s very hard for me to get the time to train with my college schedule and their attitude towards me is making it so incredibly difficult for me to want to go. I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m still very eager and in love with the sport. Yet every time the coach tells us to partner up everyone will ignore me and I’m left seeing the pity in my coach’s eyes and asking someone if we can make a group of three. My coach is amazing and motivating and everything a coach should be and I can literally feel him not wanting me to quit because of how hard everyone is making this on me. The mental intimidation and the exclusion is delaying my progress a lot. The gym is ranked number one in the area though and I don’t want to miss out on the good training because of my training partners. Most of the people there are young single adults and they all yhink I’m much younger than I actually am and try to group me with the pre teens and it’s incredibly frustrating to not get basic respect. How can I improve my training situation and stay motivated?
Hey Scarlett! One thing I’d recommend is to try to stop comparing old you and new you. Screen wipe, new scene!
At my first gym I went through exactly that – partner time, I felt like the ugly girl at the school dance. What I tried to do was set up my partner early – ask “Hey will you be my partner today?” Even now, those residual feelings still hit. I was at a Caio Terra seminar and I was literally the only woman out of about 50 dudes. Time for partnering up and I’m the ONLY person without a partner. Lovely. >_< I mentioned it before, but it's worth mentioning again: sometimes it is simply because you are new and a white belt (sorry, I’m making assumptions).
I think what you’re feeling is the same thing a LOT of folks feel at gyms. And there’s a possibility that this particular gym is NOT a good fit for you. Personalities and meshing DO MATTER. For me, it wouldn’t matter if I had stellar coaching – if my actual training experience was poor, I would pick a new place. It’s the people that matter more for me. Personally, I would talk to my coach and tell him I was unhappy and ask if he had a recommendation for another gym. Or you can ask your coach exactly what you asked me – “This situation is rough on me emotionally – can you give me tips on how to improve this situation and stay motivated? I love your coaching, but some of the interpersonal aspects are really rough for me.”
Your coach is a human being – and hopefully will have empathy and insight for you. I love my current gym – the instructor chooses partners for people, including for rolling. No one feels excluded.
“Other times, feeling like I can’t do anything or can’t pull off jiu jitsu against a fully resisting male opponent has been the most difficult aspect.”
That is my biggest hurdle as well (I’m also a female). We recently (3 – 6 months ago) had 3 new big guys join our gym. I had a bit of time/experience on them, and for the first few months it was fine. They didn’t know what a good position was, so even with their extreme strength and size advantage I could still pass their guard, take side control and mount and even submit them. They have been going long enough now to know good positions and coupled with their size and strength, I sometimes find myself unable to do anything. I’m glad they are getting better, but it just shows how much more I need to improve in order to make up the gap in our physical differences. And honestly, I am very glad to see you write that because I have felt like I’m being a wuss for feeling this way. I tell my instructor about my frustration with this, and he’s nice and supportive, but I feel like I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not to feel this upset about it. It’s just nice to see I’m not the only one to feel this way.
My perspective is a bit skewed, I’m a 38 year old guy with two kids and to be honest all of my friends train. So every chance I get to get on the mats is recess, a snow day, and the last day of school all rolled into one. There are times when my kids want me to stay home, but they understand it’s my time to “go play with my friends.”
We don’t get to do this forever. Every time we miss training is time when we get closer to that moment without progressing, without playing, without learning. Jiu jitsu is grown up playtime. It’s fun. If it isn’t then something is wrong. Either in our expectations, our school, or our attitude. None of which are fixed, all of them can be changed.
That said, high blue belt/low purple belt is a maddening time. You’re completely inconsistent, you are branching out of your comfort zone and your fundamentals aren’t quite good enough yet to save you. It’s super frustrating, but it passes.. if you train.
I feel you all, I go crazy in my mind that it drives me crazy, I am a brown belt with 13 years of off and on training I had a stroke and can only train like once a week but Thats all I want for now because I cannot deal with am I good or not bullcrap, Then I think I should train more and be better and a black belt by now. People i used to train with are blacks in a short time which bothers me too. When I did bjj is was about learning to protect yourself on the streets now it is all competition that is a shame. But my ego is going away and thats what we are talking about it is our ego. When you let that go then you will not be bothered by the mental part. Think about it, There are so many sad things in life much more important than if we are the best in jiu jitsu or are we getting better or do we deserve our belts. In the end this does not mater , what really matters is not how good we are but what we are doing to help others and not just in jiu jitsu but helping our loved ones our friend and even a stranger jiu jitsu and anything spiritual is more about being a better person than being a better submission specialist. So I am working on my ego and loving others even if I do not like them and having a higher power in your life and pray and meditate and feel closer to your understanding of god and people makes your mental problems go away and you will no peace. No god no peace know god know peace. And I mean a higher power of your understanding . I hope I made sense to you all god bless and help others.