I recently posted a question on Reddit asking if any musicians did BJJ and asking for some advice. I explained that I knew a professional musician who mentioned an interest in BJJ, but had a Valid Concern about getting injured and not being able to do his job. It was a basic risk vs reward consideration required for making a thoughtful decision.
Among the very good advice were three randomly aggressive comments:
- Well, there’s no guarantee. You’re going to get injured. But worrying about it and not trying out new shit is the way to go.
- Don’t be such a puss… Go train.
- Sounds like a lame excuse.
Add these to two articles I recently read about “Guilt in BJJ” – one from CrawlAtopMeandMeetYourDoom called “Guilty” and one by Katie, called Guilt in BJJ. To me, these are interconnected to the above “STFU and train” mentalities because they are very typical responses I see to Explanations as to why one is not doing jiu jitsu.
EXCUSES ARE LAME
“Never make excuses. Your friends don’t need them and your foes won’t believe them.” ― John Wooden, Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections On and Off the Court
The excuses given on the picture below are often mental barriers to preventing yourself from doing something. They’re how we psych ourselves out of doing something. Often these excuses can often be combated by a role model or logic or inspiring Nike video or a fitspiration picture macro. After all, it’s really hard to think of “I’m too old” as anything but an excuse for a 37 year-old when you hear about someone in their 60s doing jiu jitsu.
From Motivationista.com. For the record, I consider “I hate doing XYZ” a VALID Reason NOT to do it.
A note on Fitspiration pics. They’re VERY often taken negatively by the non-exercise crowd. For example, the “What’s-Your-Excuse Mom,” Maria Kang, was called a bully and accused of fat shaming. I personally didn’t find the photo aggressive or feel like she was calling me out. I felt like it was a great response to the “I have no time” Excuse that I sometimes have, more of a “Well, if she can do it with 3 kids, sure, I can do it with no kids.”
I don’t have Excuses, I have Reasons!
I look at Excuses as flimsy explanations as to why I can’t do something – reactions or spur-of-the-moment explanations. They’re whiny. (please note – the whining is coming from me because that’s how I give excuses. I’m sure you don’t do this). Read these all in the voice of a really annoying 7-year-old-kid-trying-to-whine-their-way-into-getting-their-way. They’re based on how I’m feeling At That Moment, rather than what my Gameplan is.
- But it’s cooooold outside.
- But I’m tiiiiired.
- I just want to watch Doctor Whooooo!
REASONS ARE REASONABLE
When people counter my excuses, they are essentially talking to Sally, my Inner Voice. She throws a temper tantrum when you point out these excuses. She gets grumpy and arm fold-y. My Reasons, however, are solid. They can’t be easily countered with logic. I personally do jiu jitsu because I choose to do it, and no, I don’t want to do it every single night. Compare these lame Excuses to thoughtful Reasons I have for not doing BJJ at times:
- I need an evening free from people so I can recharge.
- I am in a shitty mood and grappling is a Very Bad Idea that will lead to tears.
- My boyfriend is leaving Korea and I want to spend some time with him.
- I am injured and need time to recover.
I know that when something is Important to me, I find a way to do it. “Where there’s a will there’s a way” (barring extreme circumstances).
ACTIONS ARE MORE POWERFUL THAN WORDS
Maybe it is a moot point – and people don’t really give a crap if you’re giving a Valid Reason or a Flimsy Excuse. I said on my article “So You Want to Start a BJJ Blog“…audiences don’t usually care WHY you’re not writing – they’re there for the content, that’s it.” And while it may not be wholly true, ultimately I know that whatever the WHY, it’s the ACTIONS or lack thereof that matter most.
That’s why I get irritated? annoyed? confused? by the amount of Random Acts of Aggression that exist online. I feel that every explanation for not doing jiu jitsu, whether it be a Valid Concern or Reasonable Reason, is labeled as a Lame Excuse because folks are only looking at actions and saying, “You are not doing BJJ, therefore it is a Lame Excuse.”
Jiu Jiu’s Question: What are YOUR Lame Excuses that you give when you don’t want to do Jiu Jitsu/Exercise/etc? What are your Valid Reasons? How do you differentiate the two? What was your reaction to the “No Excuses Mom” image macro?
NOTE: The comment contest closes in 24 hours! That’s midnight on January 31 in Korea, 10:00am Eastern Standard Time in America. Winner of the comment contest gets a free issue of Groundwork Magazine!
I like this article. I get frustrated when I read forums that essentially say “stfu, go train”, because I don’t think it is representative of reality in general. I have a very young daughter, I work full time, I’m in school full time, and I’m in the military reserves. I also have health problems. I refuse to feel shame because I can’t be on the mats 6 days a week. I’m actually proud that I can make it once or twice.
The main thing I dislike about this whole shaming trend (fat-shaming, fit-shaming, dog-shaming, whatever) is that you don’t know the other person’s circumstances. It is easy to just declare “you need to train more, newb”, but its important to realize that not everbody works the same as everybody else.
If I’m not at training these days, it will normally be because I want to do something with my girlfriend, like take her out for a Valentines meal, celebrate her birthday, or if she’s simply had a crap day and I want to be there for her. The other common reason would be I’m ill, so don’t want to spread my germs around. Though it’s worth noting that I’m an instructor and as of this week have opened my own school, so getting to class is something I see as an important responsibility rather than just a hobby.
However, back when I wasn’t teaching, I might decide I’m feeling a bit miserable so want to flop at home, I want to play on Amberstar some more, I can’t be arsed because I didn’t get much sleep, etc. But every time I’ve pushed myself to go train anyway, I have ALWAYS felt better. I’m not a particularly depressive person (indeed, I’d say I’m fairly unemotional), but I really feel the difference in my mood after going to BJJ.
I try and get myself into the habit of going to class on certain days. I find that the regularity helps me to go because 1) I don’t have to consciously think about it quite so much 2) my uniform is generally clean and not in a soggy heap in the laundry basket 3) my family are expecting me not to be at home that day/night so they don’t whine when I leave them by themselves and 4) the days are spaced out a bit and I have time to recover between classes. I think valid reasons to miss are to do with 3) and 4) i.e. my family are missing me because I’ve been out a lot recently, working late or traveling (and I’m missing them) or my body is hurting more than it typically does/I’m injured. When I miss for ‘invalid’ reasons, that’s mostly because I’m feeling lazy and ticked off with someone or something – myself, work, someone else, or I forgot to move my uniform from the washing machine to the dryer. After those occasions, self and I have a quiet chat about my self defeating habits. And I decide its time to buy another gi.
My school only has three days of class so I try my hardest to go every time. But when I don’t go it’s usually because I am too tired. I wake up at 5 a.m., go to work, go to class (college), and then if I am not exhausted I go to practice at 7 p.m.. I try not to skip too often because my instructor happens to be my step-brother so if I miss practice I usually get a call or text asking why I wasn’t there and I always feel lame saying I was too tired. Some of my valid reasons for not going are that I just got new cartilage piercings, I have way too much homework, or I am sick.
I think what the “No Excuses Mom” was trying to do is great. Even though I don’t have kids I found it inspiring. I happen to have a lot going on in my life and seeing her with three kids looking amazing really showed me that I can do it too.
One of my college professors made an interesting point – the No Excuses Mom is a trainer, which means ultimately she’s paid to work out. Her job affords her that opportunity, so it is not totally truthful in that she does not have a non-physical job + 3 kids + works out. Her job IS working out.
Oh man – that DOES make a difference, having someone you KNOW who is the instructor! It adds social pressure! ^_^ Glad it’s working for you, though! And welcome to jiujiubjj! Hope to see you around the comments section again!
I have a few different feelings on this one. Firstly, the primary reason why I train and why I keep going back, even when it’s hard or when I’ve had a big “slump,” is because it is fun. I adore martial arts and I (in general) really enjoy training. However, no one is obliged to train, so if someone doesn’t enjoy BJJ, or any other hobby, a simple “I don’t want to,” should be a perfectly valid reason for anyone. People also have lives outside of the gym so when someone is apologetically explaining why they can’t (or really don’t want to) train at certain certains, I would not presume to tell them to “STFU” but rather gently remind them that sometimes “real life gets in the way.” Sometimes you need to work overtime or remember what your friends and family look like, and that’s ok. Sometimes people aren’t comfortable disclosing their reasons for not training at times and that’s ok too. Personally, I attend a support group on one of the nights when my club trains but I would not feel comfortable announcing this at my gym. So if my teammates believe that I’m making excuses or being lazy by leaving early, so be it.
As for the silly excuses such as “But it’s cooold,” I normally push myself past them because I know the pay-off is worth it. But if someone else decides they would really much rather stay in with a nice cup of tea that night, I’m not judging them. It’s a club, not a prison! It’s ok if they don’t want to come out and play today! (Of course, I’m not including times when you really do need to suck it up and keep going, such as before a big competition, or if you’re an instructor. And if you’re training sporadically, you need to be ok with the fact that you may not progress as quickly as others.)
I had a negative reaction to the “No Excuses” image. I don’t have kids but I have watched my friends raise their families and I know how exhausting, overwhelming, stressful and expensive it can be. I feel like that image could be a bit of a kick in the teeth for some women, particularly if someone were suffering from postnatal depression. It wasn’t the “fat-shaming” that stuck me in the picture, but it felt uncomfortably like “mother-shaming.” I’ve always been naturally thin, in spite of being extremely unathletic for most of my life; I have never had to work at losing weight. But my reaction to the image was still “It’s not that easy.” (Similarly to the “Why Women Should Train” video.) It made me wonder what kind of supports she had. Did she have plenty of money for classes and babysitters and/or a supportive partner who helped make sure she had time for exercise? Was she just naturally slim, like me? It made perfect sense to me to learn that she is a professional trainer. I’d also be curious to know if Photoshop was used for the image.
Anyone who responds to a Valid Concern or a Reasonable Reason with “STFU and train” must not have much else to do than train. It chafes me how dismissive that expression is. It’s the fitness equivalent of “tl;dr”. And it’s usually excreted with little attempt to understand any circumstances.
Basically every single night I don’t train, I feel Jiu-Jitsu guilt. But it’s 99% self-imposed. Jiu-Jitsu doesn’t use weights. We are the weights. There are no machines. We are the machines. And when I’m absent, I fear I’m depriving my teammates (along with myself of course) of an opportunity to improve.
One thing that helps overcome that fear is knowing my teammates understand I have many other things happening in life, and I keep everyone in the loop via social media. I don’t vanish from the mats then post “im bored lol. hmu ppl.” Thankfully, most everyone at our academy understands and frequently verbalizes that “life gets in the way”.
I almost never let Lame Excuses get in the way. To me, a Lame Excuse is a Valid Reason not predicated by an objective. An excuse is a mental obstacle, whereas reasons are physical. There’s something tangible taking priority. And that something tangible has to be predicated by an objective. Lame Excuses result in nothing. Valid Reasons have an outcome.
Personally, I dug the “No Excuses” bit. Like the “Why Should Women Train” video, neither say it’s easy. Just that it’s possible. And I know of many parents who say finding time is impossible. No, it’s not impossible. It’s just not easy. But few things worth doing are ever easy.
[…] with jiu-jitsu guilt as I discussed last week,check out “A Skirt on the Mat” and Jiu Jiu’s blog where they also discussed […]
First, watching Doctor Who is always a perfectly valid reason! Do you watch Sherlock?! :)I would love to train more often (2 days a week is good for me) but I am the mom of 3 teenagers and my husband travels for work so evening class is tough to make. I made peace with this when I followed my instructor to a new academy that only offers night classes. I will keep training as much as I can..some seasons will be more training, some less (ie during my kids’ basketball, track, & volleyball seasons). But as long as I am still in the game, I am happy! And my academy is just starting some morning open mats!
I have 2 children and my wife is pregnant with our third and I had to take some time off to help her with some pinched nerve in her arm it felt like an excuse but I believe it was a reasonable reason.
House chores are always an excuse for me. The gym I train at has 1 session I can make it to and it’s later in the evening. My wife works until later in the evening too so if things don’t get done during the day I feel too overwhelmed to go.
My excuse is that I’m an old white belt (43 in March), with Asthma, & I need to take it easy. It’s B.S. I know, so I’ll usually berate myself until I get my lazy butt out the door & headed to the academy. I’ve never been sorry for making that choice.
I love the ad. We really have no reason besides serious injury why we can’t find a way to train.
Sometimes “I just don’t feel like it” is a perfectly acceptable answer. Sometimes our bodies or emotions tell us what but not why. Many people say, “just show up.” And then once you show up, you love it… I do that with my biking. Just get on my bike… if I am not happy with it, I can go a few kms, get a cup of coffee and go home. I think that’s happened twice in two years. Because I respect what my body / emotions / spirit tell me, I don’t hate getting on my bike. On the other hand, whenever I’ve forced myself to go to the gym, I’ve been miserable and started to associate “misery” with the gym. Nothing wrong with saying no for No Good Reason. As long as it isn’t frequent.
“Go train” no matter what is fine for professional athletes. It’s certainly how I view my job. But for something I do because I enjoy it? I need to enjoy it. I don’t want to become bitter or resentful. That’s is soooo not helpful!
Hard is hard. If getting to the gym is easy for you, great! Finding joy in your activities will keep people attending. STFU and train… not so much.
Great article! I like how you defined the difference between excuses and reasons. I’ve found that life is unpredictable and you have to go with the flow. I try to find a balance where I can juggle the important things in my life.
I liked the “No Excuses” poster, but I have a strange outlook with this sort of thing. I love BJJ, utterly love it. I count down the minutes from the moment I step off the mat to the moment I get back on. Even when I have a bad lesson where nothing works and I feel like I’ve regressed, I love that I had the chance to be tested that week and fail, if that makes any sense. The high from things working can last for days.
On the other hand I hate Muay Thai – nothing I do works, I feel slow, stupid and un-coordinated every lesson. I have no passion for striking at all. The stuff the instructor says makes no sense in my mind and my MT class mates (while all, I must emphasize, nice people) aren’t people that I’ve clicked with in the way I have the BJJ people. The only thing I look forward to about MT is that BJJ class happens straight afterwards. And yet, I keep going back because I am determined to one day not suck at it. I want to do an MMA fight one day and I know I’ll need at least enough standup to close the distance and take my opponent down, so I force myself to keep going and give everything I have while I’m there. When I hear “STFU and Train” I interpret it as “If you want to do something badly enough, you’ll keep going even if you don’t feel like it”. Progress is happening, very slowly, but it’s there.
To me, there’s no judgement in “STFU and train” – if someone else felt the same way about BJJ as I did MT, I’d respond with “Yeah, I get it, that’s how I feel about striking, different strokes I guess”, and not judge them if they decided to quit. My reason for keeping going is stronger than my reason for wanting to give up – not everyone has that powerful a reason to keep going, but that doesn’t automatically make them lazy or inadequate.
I do, however, raise my eyebrows when people give excuses before they even try something once.
I’ve decided to do a part 2 to the Excuses/Reasons post – I’ve found that these discussions have brought to light some interesting points of view that I want to discuss further. ^_^
I’ve realized that lots of people give excuses before they try something once because they don’t actually want to try it. For example, when I was a vegetarian many many moons ago, as soon as I said “I’m a vegetarian” (I am NOT a veg now, just to be clear) people would immediately respond with “I could never be vegetarian because of XYZ reasons.” Maybe they felt I was judging them or that I would try to convert them? I wonder the same about jiu jitsu – I’m such a rabid fanatic that folks feel the need to pre-justify why they can’t do it? Not sure.
Ooh, that’s an interesting point. I get the same thing whenever I mention being vegetarian (I’ve been veggie for 15 years) – I never evangelize, and I have absolutely zero issue with what other people eat, but people get defensive the second I mention it.
Excuses from non-trainees could be a defence mechanism – or even just an attempt to try to connect. Maybe people think it sounds better to say “I’d love to try BJJ, but I hurt my knee when I was younger…” rather than “That grappling stuff looks so boring I wish you’d shut up about it!” 🙂
I’d never thought about it that way, good point.
I’m a single mom with a full time job, I’ve driven through severe weather warning- conditions to get to class (with, in those cases, only 2 or 3 other people) I missed my sister’s bachelorette party because of training, hell, I trained twice on Christmas Day! But if my kid needs me at home, I’ll stay at home, watch cartoons, play with Lego, bake cookies and I don’t feel guilty about it.
Yes, and also these shaming comments assume that we all have the same values and goals. Stupid. Plus, if these people train so F-ing hard, why do they have so much time to be negative to others online? Perhaps projecting some negative inner feelings outward?
Exactly!! They should be encouraging and motivating others, not judging! Although I do find the eternal “I would do it, BUT..” of some people really annoying..
I agree that “I don’t feel like it” is a good reason and can be used, but for me I have to put a limit of once per week. Other valid reasons for not working out are “I’m contagious,” “My asthma is acting up,” “my husband needs some attention and i’ve forgotten what the man looks like.” I try to use “i need to work late” as rarely as possible. I feel that work life should not impact personal life very often, even if it means working earlier or working through lunch. “I don’t feel like it” is better than “I have to work late” IMO. However, I have flex time and not all jobs are like that, so i would never judge anyone else for, well really any reason. It’s their business.
[…] while back I wrote an article called “Reasons vs Excuses.” In it, I posted the “No Excuses Mom” picture along with my confusion as to why […]