I want to talk about something not fun. Some would label it whining, others complaining, but it’s something real and should be discussed: frustration in our sport.
This week I had a bad class. Bad.
Edited to add: This article is NOT complaining about my gym. Period. It’s about my own personal reaction to some things that generally I can deal with but for whatever reason just didn’t. Rest assured that a) I know how to take care of myself b) I am treated very well by my coaches and my teammates. But that jiu jitsu is a frustrating sport and sometimes your inner frustrations just get the best of you!
It started out great. I did a 6:30 class followed by a 7:30 class. In it, I hit a personal new achievement! We do these sort of frog jumps. You are on your knees and you jump to your feet. I’ve not been able to do these, ever, and it’s sort of embarrassing and silly to see every single person around me doing them successfully, even the white belts, and here I am falling over every time. But I did it today. A teammate said to thrust my hips forward, and that was the magic solution!
But then we partnered for the technique. I asked one of the guys to be my partner, but was put with the only other woman instead. One of the older Korean men made this sort of joking chastising look/motion to me for trying to partner with a man and I said “Because I am a woman??” and he said yes. >_<
Now, normally I have no problem partnering with the women, but in the first class I partnered with an absolute beginner, and I’m trying to prepare for a tournament and I wanted someone who was around my level. Then I realized we were doing takedowns, and the frustration grew.
I don’t think beginners should work together. I don’t think they should partner together during a technique. They can’t help one another effectively, they may forget the steps or remember it wrong, and they don’t have the benefit of having someone with experience who can help guide them as well as do the move correctly on them.
Honestly, I’m a beginner when it comes to takedowns. I’m a zero stripe white belt. I can’t do them effectively, I remember steps wrong, and I can’t help anyone. My partner was a beginner too. This meant that our practice time together was inefficient, and frankly wrong.
I know this because once we started doing positional sparring against everyone in class, I couldn’t do it, and Good Guy Brown Belt pointed out that my technique – that we had JUST been practicing – was wrong. This frustration mounted as person after person I was unable to do ANYTHING against, and they were taking me down like I was a child.
It’s very possible that my hormones are out of whack, but I could feel my mental energy give, and I kept thinking back to this gem I found on reddit:
I recognized that I had mentally defeated myself, and I tried to empty my mind and trust the technique, except that I didn’t – I couldn’t, because I didn’t know how to do it correctly.
By the time I got to the last person, I was fighting back tears. That frustration was choking me and threatening to come out, but I kept breathing, ready to excuse myself if needed. Thankful that if I DID cry, my sweat would mask them. It’s okay to cry, just not on the mats. I rolled, able to keep things cool, then after class I went in the changing room.
Yeah – that was basically me.
I crawled under the shelf in the changing room, leaned against the wall and cried. It was as though a fist was around my throat, squeezing the tears slowly out. I had a few minutes to myself before the other gal came in, and I talked to her a little bit. Told her I loved being her partner, but for takedowns I need to work with someone else and I hoped she would not be offended. She said she understood.
The thing is – I understand the tricks to keeping myself “up.” I’m generally a chipper, happy person who is very encouraging to others. But every so often that frustration just hits you unexpectedly like a surprise punch to the face. I think part of it is that my emotional strategy of dealing with not-being-able-to-do-shit was to just be happy I was there, to be fine with being the worst person. This time I was actually trying hard. I wanted to get better for this tournament, and although it was TRY TRY TRY, nothing worked, and that sucker punched me.
Hello, I am a feeling. Is now a convenient time to be experiencing me? No? Too bad.
Turns out I need a new strategy for when I’m preparing for a tournament, and I don’t quite know what that emotional strategy will be. I’m toying around with a few ideas, but so far nothing has resonated.
I would love to hear ideas from you guys: When you are TRYING TO WIN and PREPARING FOR SOMETHING IMPORTANT, how do you emotionally deal with not being able to do something? How do you cushion the emotional impact of failure and frustration? How do you not mentally defeat yourself?
I’ve got a standard response from the FAQ when it comes to frustration, which may or may not help. The short version is focusing on components of a technique, getting increasingly smaller depending on how much trouble you’re having. Not sure all of this is relevant to your specific problem, but bits of it might be:
BJJ is difficult, so a lot of people get frustrated and demoralised. First thing to note is that the only person you should be measuring your progress against is yourself. Other people may train more often, have athletic ability, previous experience etc – although it’s natural to think “damn, that guy started the same time as me, I should be as good”, think instead “how would the me of today fare against the me of last month?”
Focus on a small number of techniques and concentrate on just working those in sparring. It may even just be that you steadily work one tiny part of a particular technique – perhaps where you want your hands to be at a certain point – but that all contributes to eventually getting the technique right, and in turn means you’re being constructive and have a clear goal to work towards.
I also find a technique-focused method of training helps with motivation, as it’s a useful way of ignoring ego: you’re not thinking about ‘winning’ or ‘losing’, just making technical improvements. It doesn’t matter if you get tapped along the way.
Following on from that, I’d strongly recommend keeping a training log. Personally, I’ve found doing so has been of massive benefit to my training: to copy what I wrote somewhere else, for a start it makes it easier to remember technique. The process of putting what you’ve just learned into words means you have to carefully think about exactly what you did in class. Even if your memory of it isn’t that great, that will still mean you know specifically which parts you’re unsure about, so can then ask your instructor next time you train.
That also helps with recollecting terminology, which I find can be a big problem in BJJ. Of course, that normally means you only learn the terminology used in your particular school, but still of benefit. Ideally, I’d like to be able to learn the most common terms used globally, as well as just in my school: it then becomes easier to search places like the net for hints and tips on specific techniques.
In addition to remembering technique, writing notes also means you can track your own progress, and identify what you feel you need to work on. As with writing up techniques, that then means you can concentrate on what went ‘wrong’, for want of a better word, asking your instructor and training partners how you could improve. So in effect, your notes become an action plan for the next sparring session.
Also, read this fantastic thread, if you haven’t already.
I’m not sure how much of that directly applies in this case. It’s tournament prep, and this is the first time I’ve been trying to focus on the RESULTS rather than the longer term process. And that’s what I was asking for advice on. All the things you’ve said are things I have said as well. So in this case – preaching to the choir about the long term. I just need some advice on dealing with the short term.
I got a little pissed off reading about how you were treated. I’m pretty sure that your classes are not free, & as a paying customer of the school you should get whatever it is you are paying for. You need to sit down & hash things out with your instructor so that your on the same page. I understand that cultural differences can be an obstacle, but as I learned in the Marine Corps, sometimes you can’t afford to take the long way around. Blow that “Sumbich” up, & boldly step on through.
You also need to find out what your learning style is and cater it. There might be something that you’re just not seeing, or feeling, or hearing, (thats what I use YouTube for), the same technique can be shown a hundred different ways. Also I believe in catering to your fighting style. This is Jiujitsu don’t force it. Find another takedown that you can crush & roll with that until your new one is up to snuff. Failure is not an option. Kick ass!
Darqnezz – please never fear. I am treated well at my club, and I love it there. EVERY place has pluses and minuses and I think that the pluses outweigh the minuses.
I also have a language barrier to deal with, so there IS a possibility that the older man was joking, but it’s equally possible he was serious. In any case, he’s not the instructor, so it doesn’t really matter, and he’s a good sparring partner. Joking is really difficult to do cross-culturally, and I know I’ve been far more aware of gender issues recently, so had he been joking I still likely would have taken it seriously.
I also took care of things after class. I asked that in the future, only for takedown classes that I be paired with someone better, and that any other time it’s totally okay. I thought about saying something during class, but quite frankly, it would have made me feel really uncomfortable to do during class.
What I’m getting at: my frustration was my own thing. It was unusual, unexpected, and mine. I need to deal with my own frustration, and I had a reaction to something not working. Even had I had a better partner, it still likely would not have worked against a fully resisting opponent because I will never be awesome at something after a single class. In this case I was suffering from a very myopic pov and focusing on a single class rather than a longer term view. And that’s what I was getting at – this is one of the first times I’ve felt frustrated almost to tears for not being able to DO THE THING. Yes, I’ve felt frustrated at times, but this was more difficult to deal with because I WANTED to do it and it DIDN’T work.
The other part is: I’m an educator. My background is in second language teaching as well as teacher training. So I understand what you’re talking about, but I also know that “learning styles” have no solid research backing their effectiveness. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-poldrack/are-learning-styles-impor_b_398326.html
Thank you for your comment. And unfortunately, failure is an option and one I don’t want to be afraid of. It’s the longer term consistency that is more important to me. Bodies fail, techniques sometimes fail, memory fails, and that’s okay. I just want to keep getting back on the mats.
My reason for sharing this was specifically because it gets really easy to feel like you’re the only person who has break downs. Like you’re the only person who cries in the locker room after a frustrating class. And if everyone presents themselves like they have it all together and have that wonderfully calm and cool and collected exterior – then those who ARE experiencing those emotions feel increasingly isolated. I think that sharing these stories is very important, and it’s not really the WHY that happened, although sometimes, yes, it IS about the nail. (but not today)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Glad to hear all is well at you school. As long as you don’t allow your frustration to let you quit, you’ll never be a failure. Thats what I meant by failure not being an option. Its difficult conveying that message eithout writing a book. There’s nothing wrong with crying either. We all do it. Love the blog. Keep it up.
Hi Julia,
I really felt for you after reading this. All of us have been in this place to varying degrees at some point. I’m not going to profess to be an expert or anything but there are few things I’ve found helpful in my own life. Your mileage may vary…
As far as dealing emotionally with not being able to do something, I’ll offer up what my physical therapist told me when I was dealing with extreme frustration and disappointment while I was recuperating from being run over by a truck: “Get present, right here, right now.” I would keep backsliding into things like “I can’t do this anymore” and “I will never be the same, let alone better, so why even try?” I had to get present. Instead of focusing on what I thought I couldnt do, or thought I would never be able to do, I had to find one small thing inside the bigger thing I could do and build from that. There had to be this focus placed on the present, on what was achievable here and now. If there wasnt then I would just backslide into what was and what my head was telling me would never be. Get Present.
Cushioning the emotional impact of failure and frustration? That’s easy. Bourbon.
With not mentally defeating yourself I’m probably going to ramble ang get all touchy-feely… but whatever. We all exist and move through the “real” world, right? But the vast majority of our “living” is done in our own heads. I know its easier said than done, but just acknowledge the negativity for what it is and recognize that it is not you and you are not it. It’s just thoughts. And thoughts are powerless, meaningless abstract theories until you breathe life into them. Until you give them power and meaning.
You are not your thoughts. Recognize them, acknowledge them, compartmentalize them… and then cut that shit loose.
I have yet to meet somebody that has not experienced that “OMG I Suck Ass” feeling at some point in their training. I’ve felt that way and continue to feel that way now and then. There are many times I feel inadequate on the mats. It’s called being human and its ok. What’s not ok is having those feelings destroy your potential, kijack your cerebral landscape, and determine your decisions and reality. Nothing shakes that snow globe like self doubt.
I guess what I’m trying to say is recognize those feelings for what they are not: You.
And in case nobody has told you lately, I’ll tell you now; you’re good enough and you’re flippin’ awesome.
Heheheh it seems like I’m being talked off a ledge! ^_^ Thank you for your kind words. Never fear – I know all these things deeply. I’m thankful that at 36 (37 in 4 days!!) I’m in touch with both my Vulcan AND my Klingon sides and can approach my emotions very logically. However, I do think that FEELING those emotions is still important, not just talking yourself down, but sitting in a moment and letting all those feelings wash over you.
I also know that all my partners are better at takedowns because they’ve got more practice. And they’re more athletic. And that’s okay. ^_^ But for me, sharing those inadequate feelings are important because how many others wonder if they’re the only ones sitting in the changing room crying.
But again, it was a temporary thing – a perfect storm.
And yes, I accept that I’m awesome and thank you for what you wrote, for I’m absolutely certain that even though I know most of that, that it will be new for someone. You kick ass for leaving such a positive and wonderful reply. Thank you so much.
Most importantly – congrats on deciding to compete! Competing makes our BJJ very real, and our training more focused. As a result, it is easy to put a lot of pressure on ourselves in our training – sometimes we can let a tournament take the fun out of the training because we start to take it more seriously (for better and for worse).
I have competed only 5 times now. The first three times was in the first 1.5 years of my BJJ journey, and then twice a couple years later. The way I felt about my two most recent tourneys was drastically different than the first few due to two big mental changes. Firstly, when I was a new competitor, a tournament felt like the end-all-be-all. Recently, however, I realized how little tournaments matter. They are but a blip on a long journey. Of course the outcomes are invaluable – tournaments teach us important mental and technique-related lessons. But they are just that – lessons. IMO, it is important to remember this to take some of the pressure off. You will compete, and win or lose you will be back training the next day. The important thing is that you pushed yourself by competing, and that you keep going regardless of the results (and how disappointed you may be in yourself). While I think tournament training should be more refined and intense, you must try to maintain the perspective.
Another change that happened for me was that I realized I would be competing with all my years of experience behind me – not just the couple months of intense training leading up to tourney day. Tournaments reflect but a snapshot in time. While I think great improvements can be made in a couple months, you need to remember where you started and how much you have improved since the last time you competed. No tournament outcome can take those successes and improvements away from you.
So basically, it seems like my advice is to not lose perspective of the journey!
For the record, despite my gains in mental perspective, I still managed to have an emotional breakdown at one point in training before my first tourney in two years (due to a combination of things). And I also suffered from a severe jiu-jitsu depression after that tournament because I was extremely disappointed in my performance. However, I rallied, focused on what was lacking most – (my mental game and how it translated into my physical performance) – and competed again a couple weeks later.
Thus, my other relevant realization is that lows are unavoidable and unpredictable – what matters is how you deal with them and that you keep training.
Have fun!! I’m excited for you to compete!
Hey Ashley! Thank you so much for your kind words! The tournament is only 9 days away! Gak! ^_^
I think my goals are starting to shape up. I’ve realized that I want to face the things that make my insides feel yukky. I don’t want to run from them. So I’m going to try a takedown instead of just sitting; I realize that the tournament is a place where I can deal with some things that normally I can’t. It’s a place for me to test my abilities against someone else. Not something I want to do all the time, but it’s a place where I can learn from the problems. So I want to attempt a takedown, knowing it will likely suck, then afterward I want to watch the video and figure out how to do it better.
I also agree – in the long run, it REALLY doesn’t matter. ^_^ You are right – it’s about the entire journey, not just a single pit stop.
Hello there. Maybe the anxiety and stress of the “unknown” is pushing things a bit too far? I think competing for the first time is like that first time you have sex. It aint gunna be pretty, and its mostly a learning experience of what to expect.
Preparing for my first tournament was all over the place. You feel like you need to cram all this stuff into a short period until your “ready”. You’ll find your groove after this first one. My secon tournament wad much different in prep (and results). I stressed way less, trained not as hard, and just focused on having fun. Thats what seems to work for me. Hopefully you find what works for you.
Cheers
Thank you! I know that I’m not going to be able to do EVERYTHING, that the trick is to simplify. It’s hard to distill it all down right now, so I can see that after the first tournament, you learn and adjust for the second.
One of my goals is to face the aspects that cause me the most fear – mainly takedowns. I don’t want to start on my butt. I want to start standing, and that makes me anxious, but I think I should face it head on and learn from it or – heck – maybe I’ll be better than I think I will!!
Great analogy, btw.
I always think of bjj as a life long journey where one bad training session is insignificant. Kind of like a small pot hole along a scenic route. It helps me from getting frustrated/upset.
I think that’s a great way to not get frustrated overall, but it doesn’t mean that that pothole doesn’t make you scream and shake your fist at fate!
Late to the party again, but i think this analogy is hilarious… I live in a small-ish town in the great white north and there are so many potholes right now that I get tossed around every time I go anywhere and want to scream and feel violent. Which sounds a lot like my jiu jitsu right now, actually.
Hey Julia, so having just competed last weekend, I can tell you this… I looked at being frustrated by not being able to do a move or with losing a technique as prep in case I lost at the tournament. I would say, OK I know that if I can handle this now, I will be okay if I lose or can’t get a move right when I’m there. For me, that helped. Because I knew my mental preparation on the mats was as important as the physical preparation. When I lost in the Chicago IO that kept me out of the finals, I almost broke down on the mats. The next tournament, I realized I had to learn how to deal with my frustration WAY before I stepped out for competition. And that’s what you get to practice at the academy.
You kept going! That’s what’s important. You have a bad match? Go into your next one thinking “okay… it’s the semi final match and I’m down on points.” That teaches you that it’s never futile. There’s always a way out.
And honestly, when I’m prepping for a tournament if there’s a move I just CANNOT get, I give it up. Your game at that point is pretty set…. learning too many new moves isn’t going to change it much. So focus on the tools you already have in your belt and perfecting those. It’s better to have quality over quantity. And if all else fails, you can ALWAYS win a match with very strong basics …. like the berimbolo…HAHAHAHAH kidding!! 🙂
I hope this helped?
WHOA! That’s brilliant! That’s one of the first pieces of extremely practical information – tournament prep of failed techniques – what will I do? Will I choke up or will I be diligent and keep on? Excellent!!! I absolutely love this.
I can’t thank you enough!!
Aww 🙂 I’m really glad! Win or lose I know you’ll leave your heart on the mat. And THAT’S winning!
One of the things that I love about BJJ is that everything can be broken down into a direct methodology; an order of operations, so to speak. As most of us in BJJ, I’ve gotten much better on the ground than I have on my feet. I just have more experience there, and I’ve been able to learn a couple different methods to get from point A to point B from any position.
We’ve been doing a huge amount of standup sparring lately, and I was very frustrated at first. I’m not totally inexperienced with standup grappling. Before I started BJJ, I did a year of judo. (I actually left judo for BJJ because I enjoyed the groundwork way more than the throwing.) That said, I’m terrible at takedowns. They’re super frustrating and it’s totally demoralizing to get continually taken down by people with whom I’m at least competitive when we’re on the ground. Everyone else just seems to get it way faster than I’m able to.
But that’s begun to turn around (a little). What I’ve started doing is breaking down the order of operations that I need to follow while standing up. I’m developing little if-then processes that lead to the results that I want (i.e. if my opponent gets a lapel grip, then I use x grip break; if I get grips a and b, then I attempt x sequence of takedowns). It’s helped a lot. I find that having small goals to chase focuses me. It’s much easier for me to move a bunch of pebbles than to move a mountain.
Some people can get a look at the big picture and execute immediately. I’m not among their number. I need to break techniques down into a logical order of operations if I want them to be serviceable.
I hope this helps.
I’m glad I’m not the only person frustrated by takedowns!! I don’t yet know that my brain sorts it all out yet. Right now it’s a muddled mess. That’s a good strategy though. I think I just need to get more hours of practice in!
I totally felt for you reading this! I’ve so been there, and I really mean that.. Like, the fighting back tears from frustration thing. I feel you girl. I am also training BJJ in a foreign country, so the language/cultural barrier applies to me as well.
Ultimately I think what helps me is reminding myself to a.) be humble and b.) to be easy on myself.
Let me talk about part B first — remembering to be easy on myself. I remind myself that everyone starts off not knowing jack shit — and, as a white belt, it only makes sense that you’re going to spend most of your time on the mats thinking “what the hell, how do we do this again?” I think this is also related to having patience with yourself, and allowing yourself to make mistakes and feel stupid. It happens. And, in fact, everytime it happens, that’s a GREAT thing. It means you are recognizing what you need to learn, which is a part of the learning process that I think is often forgotten, but it is such an important part.
And that leads me to part A. Humility. Coming to terms with the fact that there is a mountain of BJJ ahead of you to learn and to improve at is what has helped me be better at sucking all the time and getting beat up. It’s hard to feel like you suck and are getting beat up all the time, but like I said before: That’s the hardest part, and it’ll teach you a hell of a lot more than winning and “knowing” how to do everything all the time. And that doesn’t even apply to just white or blue belts. That applies to everyone at every belt. BJJ’s greatest gift to me has been patience and humility. 🙂
Perhaps a slightly more concrete piece of advice is: If something confuses the hell out of you, just ask. If I don’t understand something, I’d much wait and rather ask a higher belt, or the instructor, to please show me the move again. It’s better than wasting a bunch of time doing it completely wrong. Of course, sometimes when I’m paired with someone else who also doesn’t know how to do a move, we’ll both give it a shot, and then I’ll make a light joke about how maybe we should ask for some help, and we’ll laugh about it. Laughing about it with someone else helps me to keep the frustration at bay and be patient. Then typically I’ll ask a neighboring higher-belt for some help.
And if you feel like you can’t ask for help in the moment, because everyone’s doing things super fast, and there isn’t enough time, you can always ask the instructor towards the end of class. They usually appreciate that, and that also tells them that they went a little fast for some people.
I hope this wasn’t too long and pedantic!! And I hope it helps, or at least makes you feel a little better. 🙂
Much luck!!! You’re not alone in feeling this way. 🙂
Interesting – where are you from and where do you train? This is the first comment you’ve left, so I don’t know your background, and judging by your comments, there are several things you don’t know about my background. ^_^ So this is a little bit of a “hi, let’s get to know each other!” moment. (in other words, none of this is written defensively!!!)
I’m a 4 stripe blue and have been doing BJJ for over 3 years, and nearly 3 years at my gym. So I’m past the “what the hell, how do we do this again” phase in general, though I still get it from time to time – like last night – some spider guard thing that the instructor showed me 3 times after the demo. Heh. Coming from a non-athletic background I have spent most of the time in the “how do we do this again” phase, though now – less than 20% of the time. Thankfully! Ultimately I have learned to deal with this fairly well because it’s how I’ve spent most of my time in bjj! ^_^
Also, at (4 days from) 37, and with my background in education, I don’t have issues asking about things that confuse me – but I also know that there is a certain amount of “trying it out” that you need to do – sometimes before you even know which question to ask, and I will always ask a teacher about points of confusion. The issue is when you’re overwhelmed and you can’t think of a concrete question, or when you’re just EMOTIONAL and you can’t speak because it’s clenching your throat.
In other words, these are totally rare days, but they still exist. And yes, I always give feedback to instructors. Like the new instructors – I suggest they always show things 3 times, or tell them that I had a chance to do something 3 times but my partner didn’t have time even once. That’s the danger of having a teacher trainer at your academy – we’re meddlesome folks! ^_^
I don’t know why that class was a perfect storm. Not a single damn clue.
I think that what was terribly helpful advice that someone here gave was: for tournament prep, treat each class like you would on the mats, and that frustration helps you “practice” before the tournament. So if you are REALLY EMOTIONAL when you can’t execute it in the class, it may be worse at the comp, so dealing with each class as you would there.
In any case, thank you so much for your comments! Although they are all things I know and in general apply, I know that someone will find it new and helpful!! ^_^ Please respond back with more info about you and your training!
I think it’d be the competition jitters eating at you. I tend to be a crazy #*@(#*DJSJDSD psycho right before competition. I don’t really experience crying breakdowns but instead get really angry. My frustration manifests itself as overall b***hy behavior and anger. I suppose that’s worse but luckily my team-mates all know my mood swings :3
“You wouldn’t like to see me when I’m angry.” hehehe
I think I’ve been fairly even keeled overall – but yeah, I express frustration through tears. Sigh. How many comps per year do you do?
I got extremely frustrated when preparing for the European Open. No one else from my gym was going, so I was trying to push when everyone else wanted to be lazy.
The pressure of trying to train just kept building. Every time I had to sit out because no one wanted to roll with me, every time a drilling partner was more interested in talking than drilling, and every time I tried to wiggle out from under someone who was sitting on me…
I finally hit a breaking point about 3 weeks out. I vented (and cried!) to my coach, begging him to tell me how to get ready. He told me he believed in me, that I was ready already.
Pep talk aside, after relieving the emotional pressure cooker, I was suddenly so peaceful and relaxed. I was able to change my focus and train without frustration. Ended up taking 2nd out there!
My team mates now consider this to be part of my normal tournament mental preparation. Just Nicholle’s little break down. It’s short, terrible, but I think it’s how my brain clicks from normal “play” mode to “kill” mode.
Gah! That would suuuck!!! I’m really happy for you! How many competitions have you been in?
I’ve only done BJJ 8 months, so I’m very new at it. Your post is just what I needed: some sense that I’m not alone in my occasional frustration and tears. I lost it last night in class, totally. Your description of crying on the women’s locker room floor, yeah, that was me.
I keep getting paired with an 11 year old girl who is maybe 1/2 my body weight, as we are the only females in class. Then after not being able to work the moves correctly during training because my partner is so small, I have to spar with first the 11 year old and then the brand new 20-something guy (his 2nd class, ever) who thinks BJJ is holding my hands locked in place so I can’t move, smashing me, and muscling me around. This is the best way to learn? Really? All it did was make me feel first like a bully (it’s tough to roll in a way where we are both learning with an 11 year old) and then inept, weak, useless and worried I was going to get hurt. I know I’m inept at BJJ, but usually I have a sense of moving forward and some accomplishment. Not last night, it was crushing.
Your blog is a life saver, or at least my BJJ savior. It was only one class, in the midst of many, and I’m determined to continue to train. But, thank you for letting me know I am not alone when I’m crying in the women’s locker room at the end of a class. I really needed that.
Denise, thank you SO MUCH for sharing. I cried when I read this and it made me SO GLAD I posted this.
Unfortunately that brand new guy is the equivalent of a button masher in BJJ. He doesn’t have the BJJ background in order to use anything but strength and physicality. He literally doesn’t have the skill, so he’s doing what he can to “win.” This won’t last – I promise. When I started, I remember grabbing someone and just HOLDING ON. Which is not jiu jitsu at all. I mean – I survived, but it wasn’t jiu jitsu.
If he does it again, I’d really recommend saying “Hey, just remember this is about using what you know, not about winning. It should be like a conversation between us, not you simply holding me down. Do you like conversations where you never get a word in edgewise? Yeah, neither do I.”
Well, not sure you’ll say that but you may want to ask him something a little less direct: “Hey, how much do you weigh? X? I weigh Y. How much can you lift? X lbs? I can only lift Y lbs. Do you like bullies? No? Hmmm okay.” ^_^ Okay maybe not.
[…] “Her” doesn’t have it all together. “Her” has cried in the locker rooms, or been concerned about the effects BJJ was having on her body, or questioned her rank, or been […]
I read this months ago, and had to come back to it. Today, I was doing my best to hold back my tears in class, and then fell apart in the locker room afterwards. Life has been especially stressful lately, and for the past 2+ years, BJJ has been my outlet (especially rolling.) I came to class NEEDING to get in some good rolls.
For the second class in a row, we did this “shark bait” game instead of standard rolling. We are divided into groups. The person at the front of the line starts with the next person in their guard. Whoever submits the other, wins, or if the person who started inside the guard does not end up in a completely dominant position, they lose. Winner stays to fight another match, loser goes to the end of the line. The rounds are only one minute each. If you beat everyone in your line, you tuck one hand in your belt. If you beat everyone again, both hands get put in your belt. The problem is, I almost always get put in a line with at least one guy who is much more skilled, and of course, stronger. BOTH days, I ended up in a line where the guy in front had both hands in his belt. In other words, they didn’t only beat me, they beat everyone else, too.
My total rolling time each class? About 3.5 minutes.
I am usually not the type to get upset by losing, but today losing meant no stress relief. I became SO MAD at the game, and so frustrated with how the groups were put together. I felt like a poor-sport when my eyes welled up with tears, but it was not about losing. I tap to these guys all the time during regular rolling. I needed to win, to prevent my tears from falling.
I came to class with a need in mind, just like you needed to prep for the tournament. When that need was not meant, I became so frustrated. I think it was a perfect storm of life + hormones + bjj. There are not many days I have felt like a “girl” in bjj, but today was most definitely one of them!!!
I don’t know that you’ll see this, but I’m sending you big jedi hugs!
Honestly, some of that stuff is due to a lacking teacher. I say that in all honesty, as I am a teacher. For example, a good game in my English classes will not immediately eliminate the poorer students, but will give most people equal talking time. I rig the system, so to speak.
But yes – you hit it exactly right – when I had a need in mind that was not met, the result was frustration. Thank you for putting that so clearly. And thank you for sharing your locker room breakdown. I’m honestly glad I’m not the only person, even though it sounds sucky to say “hooray, other people are crying in the locker room!”
I don’t blame the instructor. We usually don’t do this more than once every month or two. I just hate how uncontrolled my emotions were that day! There are plenty of classes where we don’t do what I’d prefer to do, but that is okay because the class is not all about me and what I want to do. LOL It was just the wrong game and the wrong time for me. Perhaps it wasn’t smart of me to go to class when I had been so emotional at home. *shrug*
[…] BJJ: Frustration […]
I love that you blogged this! I feel your frustration. I keep training and I know I’ve only been training for a short time but I just keep getting my ass kicked. I’m studying at home. I can’t sleep. I go through so many moves in my head. I want to get better. I want to progress. Sometimes it just feels like I’m stuck. I have been that new girl that the higher belts don’t want to pair up with due to the different levels of intensity and strength. I talk to my instructors for encouragement because they are important to me in my life so that I succeed both mentally and physically. I’ve cried and have gotten so mad at myself. I always try to meditate back to why I started and what I can take positively from my failures. Keep training! You can learn from both beginners and the more advanced. We are all in this together to learn from each other. We all started somewhere. Patience is the lesson. It’s a hard lesson we have to learn because I know how anxious I get to train more and excel. Keep training, you got this! Try to have positive thoughts and it’s ok to cry it out when you need to.
Thank you so much for the kind words! Remember – you’re a beginner – OF COURSE you’re going to get your ass kicked, especially against people who have been doing it longer. They have more jiu jitsu than you, and if you’re like me, there is very little that you can use to supplement poor jiu jitsu (flexibility – nope, strength – nope, athleticism – nope), so you have to just keep going back and strengthening your jiu jitsu.
I’m always sad when people beat themselves up – especially when there are so many people there ready to already beat you up. Having a positive self attitude is absolutely a wonderful gift you can give yourself, and it will keep you going back.
Congrats on continuing to return for more!