One consistent I have found in jiu jitsu is that everyone has fears. In Korea, many foreigners feared having no English instruction. Other common fears may include:
- Being the only woman
- Looking stupid
- Getting hurt
- Changing academies
- Forgetting everything
- Looking like a white belt (when you are not)
In Korea, I adjusted. I am comfortable with non-English instruction, and I am fine being the only foreigner and only woman. I even feel comfortable visiting other academies in Korea. However, moving to America from Korea has brought up a different set of anxieties.
THE ANXIETY
Jiu Jitsu Institute is curriculum based. I find right now I am most anxious about my skill level. This is completely common, and in my case there are Reasons for that feeling. I came from schools that were not curriculum based, and from September 2014 until February 2015, I probably went a maximum of 10 times. Not going to class absolutely affects your performance and your stamina. Will I improve? Of course. But for now, I’m the four stripe blue belt who gets stuck on the bottom.
Yes, this actually happened
HOW I’M ADDRESSING IT
Thankfully, Jiu Jitsu Institute has both fundamental and advanced classes. I can specifically address my anxiety about the curriculum by learning it! Yes, there’s also something unnerving about feeling anxious and then being literally at the front of the class when you line up by rank, but I am still meeting it head on.
THE POSITIVE
This will be the first time I’ve joined a gym and was part of the majority. Friendships will be easier due to lack of language and cultural barriers. I will benefit from being able to overhear the upper belts/instructors help other students. I’ll also get a lot of the finer details I may have missed when learning in another language. Plus, a load of new friends!
Jiu Jiu’s Question: What is currently giving you some anxiety in BJJ (or in whatever sport you do)? How are you handling it? What is something positive that offsets that for you?
My anxiety is primarily trying to find a even ground between-going to easy when I roll and not being enough of a challenge. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be perceived as a bully so I roll very lightly, but then I worry that I am not challenging myself or others enough? So I suppose it’s finding the middle ground?
Yep, especially when I have a size advantage. One of my teammates is about 85lbs lighter and much shorter than me. We are occasionally paired up to roll. I don’t want to disrespect her skill by not giving her a good challenge, but I don’t want to crush her either. I have a very difficult time finding a good balance.
I think it’s also about finding the right training partner. You will always find those people who like to go a little harder while some people get really upset if you put any pressure on them at all. Also, learn the art of flow rolling… something I am currently trying to master. Not easy but once you have that under control you can get something out of every training partner, even those much smaller than you
I have found that the easiest and best way to deal with this: using words. Asking someone if they want you to go at a higher percentage or to dial it back. Maybe a new white belt either won’t understand that or they don’t know what it really means, but other than that, it can be a great tool.
For me what feels like an enjoyable roll is when there is give and take. I talked to Ben and he was saying that for the competition rolling, he tries to win. The others, he tries to work on things and does more give and take. That might be a successful strategy!
Rolling and trying to “compete” with my partner rather than just focus on myself getting better gives me anxiety! I am a competitive person and only a white belt, so I get frustrated very easily when another white belt, who started after me, submits me a few times in the same roll! GRRR!! I am working on remembering I am trying to get better and I can learn from these experiences rather than get mad at myself and want to throw a pity party! LOL. I also get anxiety from being on bottom! I HATE that position and seem to always be there! So I am focusing my attention on learning to get out better!
Oh darlin – I’m having that struggle with folks who started 3-4 years after I did. Sigh. I have more empathy than you know!
Hi Julia, I trained with you when you visited JJI a few months ago.
Like Maggie said, a major sticking point for me (in addition to needing way more mat time) is that I want to have pure, clean, technical bjj, so sometimes I’m not as assertive as I should be, and end up not capitalizing on opportunities. It’s like when I used to play fighting video games, I’d get tunnel vision and wait for the right moment to use the move I really liked, and get killed by punches. I think being more in the moment and imposing my game will satisfy my aesthetic sensibilities. I’m a big dude, but I don’t want to do meathead jiu jitsu, however, I want to progress and I don’t hate winning, even if by wristlock.
That being said, I don’t know what it’s like to start bjj as a woman, but I do travel a lot for work, and am constantly visiting new places. I will say this: the Jiu Jitsu Institute is a very special place.
Hi David! Please point yourself out next time you see me in class! Thanks for commenting! I completely agree – Jiu Jitsu Institute is definitely special, and I feel very fortunate to have found it!! Exclamation!!11!
Since starting BJJ I’ve been 203 and down to 147 (now at about 159). I’ve been The Heaviest Person in Class, and I’ve been riiiiight in the middle. I feel for the 6’+ dudes who are more than 200 lbs. It’s a really hard balance to strike. I don’t envy that anxiety.
I hope to see you on the mats again!
I’ve moved to Utah, but I’m sure I’ll be in the neighborhood some day. I have also experienced massive weight loss, but it happened when I was 18-19, when I went from 347 to around 220. I still carry a lot of weight psychologically, but feel much healthier. I didn’t attempt bjj until 4 years ago, so I can’t speak to the experience of training in two very different bodies. However, I have very much enjoyed reading your journey.
Thanks so much!!
My weight is still my main anxiety. I spent so much of my life trying to keep my weight off of other people stuck next to me on the airplane or in the concert, whatever… now I’m supposed to get my weight all over someone and use it to my advantage. Normal uniforms/belts weren’t fitting me. I don’t want to be the 300 lb guy someone gets stuck drilling O-Goshi with and having to try to lift me up onto their backs. I still won’t actively seek out a partner for drilling or rolling. I’ve yet to shake that feeling of being a burden.
I’m combating that by doing CrossFit in my non-BJJ days to try to speed up my weight loss. Other than that, I don’t know that there’s much I can do to shake the reluctance. It’ll come.
I know that feeling well! I was pushing 280 when I started. It has been 3.5 yrs and I am almost 75lbs lighter, yet I still have a mental block when it comes to using my weight. The one piece of advice I have is to try and get over it sooner rather than later, otherwise you will develop bad habits. Way easier said than done, but it will save you some frustration down the road.
YES!! I remember the first time someone OOF’d when I put my weight on them. I was MORTIFIED!! I think for women it’s even more exaggerated – think about those tiny gals who say “omg am I hurting you? I’m so heavy!!” – I know I’ve found myself on more than one lap in my lifetime, so it’s a constant fear for some women. Big guy jiu jitsu – I totally get your anxiety.
Hey – have you checked out the book Mindless Eating? That book is AWESOME!! It might also help you – it’s great for “minding the gap” so to speak – that mindless 200 calorie gap that can mean the difference between mindless weight gain/loss. It’s fascinating and all research based. It’s a fun read.
I realize that I’ve forgotten waaaay more of what I’ve been taught than I remember. and I’m anxious that someone else will figure out how little I really know. I’m a fake!!
I was reading about this – it’s called “imposter syndrome.” That feeling that “Oh crap – someone they accidentally gave me a blue belt. When will they notice and take it away.” or “Daaang – I’m bamboozling everyone.” 🙂
My anxiety in bjj is trying to be consistent, remembering techniques and limited understanding people have of BJJ. Regarding consistentcy, thIs is something I was aiming to start the year on however this has not been easy to achieve due to my daughters school meetings and a personal medical condition (gout). Remembering techniques will hopefully come with consistentcy and yes, still telling people that BJJ is indeed a gentle art. In fact I tell people that I sustained more injuries when rowing and running. The year is settling into a routine and I have now a better medicine regime for high uric acid so now hopefully I can begin positive consistentcy with Gracie Barra BJJ.
Wow, man! Good luck to you! It’s so awful dealing with medical issues. I had a herniated disc a few years back, and in the past year I’ve been nursing a sucky shoulder. Good luck on your path to consistency!!
cheers, you as wel.
as you know, I’m not a Jiu Jitsu person. I’m a cyclist. And winter is now over and I’m starting to ride my bike again. I have a new bicycle which is very different from my old bike. I think this is similar to your experience of switching gyms. I haven’t ridden in months just like you haven’t really rolled much in the last few months. so what to do?
I keep holding on to the fact that I love my sport. I feel strong and competent and powerful and happy when I’m participating in it. I am happy… that is my focus. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to do the things that I want to do. I deserve to enjoy my sport. You have often written about being in the moment with your jujitsu and not having such expectations about yourself. You love the sport. it is part of your identity. Just be it.
Yay! I’m so happy to see you here! I think that over five-ish years, it’s hard to maintain that ideal ALL the time. We have moments of weakness. As a blogger, I’m just more vocal about those times. 🙂
I hope you love your new bike! Does it have a name yet?
I love this, articles like this I think truly help people because it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one feeling a certain way. This is another one that really helped me and others get over the same type of anxieties, specifically relating to taking a break and coming back.
http://languagefight.blogspot.com.au/2014/12/the-layoff.html
Thanks Fenom for sharing this awesome article, keep them coming!!
Hailee! Nice to see you here! Yeah – that’s one thing that was important to me with my jiu jitsu blog – being real and connecting with folks. Thanks for linking to Gabe’s blog – I’ll check it out later this weekend.
Hope to see you around again!
The BJJ women’s community is so small… I’ve been reading a lot lately on women’s BJJ and BJJ in general and your awesome articles keep coming up! Great to see you here on Fenom they have such a good blog. Keep up the great work!
Thanks for letting me know you got here through Fenom! Sometimes I have zero clue how folks find me. 🙂
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Count me in for all those anxieties and then some!
Until recently I had only done no-gi grappling for MMA. I felt pretty confident about my skills. I’ve now started training BJJ with a gi and I feel completely out of my depth. Like none of my previous skills have translated across and now I’m back at square one. I’m finding it really hard to make the adjustment to wearing a gi. I feel so restricted, every move is 10 times harder to make, it’s so heavy and, by the gods, it’s so hot!
Heh – I have anxieties about nogi – NOTHING TO GRAB!!! Slipping in pools of other people’s sweat. So aggression. Much macho. Such manly.
I feel all your anxieties…Being the only woman, training in Korean only, etc. I think my biggest one right now though is that I’ve 4 stripes on my white belt for 3 months now and there were promotions last week and I didn’t get promoted to blue (didn’t expect it, don’t think I’m there yet) but my professor said I was close. Freaked me out! White belt forever please. Now I feel like I’m constantly being watched and like there is all this extra pressure to roll every round every class and somehow show what I know. It’s likely all in my head. I hope.
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